[FroG LeGs Anyone?]

Having A Moment?

2007-09-29

Ramblings of a Certified Idiot

2007-09-29

Sitting here alone. It's so nice. Well, Sam's here, but he really don't count since he can't talk or nothing. It's so relaxing. I've been playing an addictively weird game called Peggle at www.popcap.com. Had a porkchop leftover from the other night. It was pretty good for the 2nd time around. I haven't been very hungry lately. Kind of nice since I could stand to lose a few pounds. I've lost about 2 pounds this week.

Found out mind bullsh*t problems with low self-esteem, anxiety, etc completely changed the course of my life. My inability to voice my true feelings a curse of the worse kind. I feel horrible, but in a weird disconnected kind of way. Like I'm watching it instead of living it. I hide my emotions. It's almost 2nd nature to me. I don't even think about it. It just happens. I was told by a therapist a few years ago that it was a coping mechanism. That's f*cked up for real. A coping mechanism that makes life worse instead of better. And wonder why I think my life story would sell like hotcakes. People love other peoples' misery. Makes them feel better about their own lives. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

Feeling a bit paranoid tonight. Every sound outside makes me look out the window. I feel like my sick ex will show up at any moment. My heart is racing a bit, but I haven't taken a pill yet. Sam barks and I jump. It's so overwhelming. I'm getting a pill. In less than 30 minutes I won't care who shows up at the door. Total brain relaxation. It makes my mind stop racing. Silence of the Lambs is on. It's such a good movie, but I haven't been paying attention. The girl is calling the dog to the edge of the pit right now. This is one of the best scenes in the whole movie. Dogs barking again. I jump every time. I don't know why I'm so scared (or whatever) tonight. I've smoked so many cigarettes tonight I have cottonmouth, but I still light up another one.

Okay, change of scenery. My job - completely under control. Things have been messed up here & there lately, but nothing I could do about those problems. They were system wide & not just isolated to my school. Work orders - ZERO. Worst part is still my suckass accomodations. I've decided not to do anything to my "office" and not make any long term plans for the school until the new school opens next year. I learned my lesson.

Well, nothing's on tv and Peggle is calling me. That is so sad - but fun!

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Deaf Gnome

2007-09-29

How ironic. A deaf gnome. Who would have figured that:)

Become a gnome today at becomeagnome.com

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I Hate Myself

2007-09-28

I sat down and cried today. My sh*tty life is completely my fault. As usual, my emotions ruled me be damn the consequences. I deserve everything that has ever happened to me.

I talked to Matt again today. I finally asked the question I've wondered for so many years; the answer was no. Sure he was dabbling in a relationship, but it hadn't progress to the point I believed it had. I just wouldn't listen. He tried to tell me, but I was so stubborn. I could have avoided all the bullsh*t I've gone through. Just maybe.

I hate myself right now.

I have questioned God for so long. Asked time and time again "Why me?" and never an answer. Until now. They didn't seek me out, but the opposite. I gravitated to complete losers. Alcoholics, addicts; most had been in jail a time or two. I was punishing myself for making the biggest mistake of my life. I hated myself. Why me? Because I was getting what I deserved. That was the answer to my question.

My hubby now, loves me. I know he does. I can see it in his face. He may be f*cked up, but such a good heart. I can't imagine ever hurting him. Not when he's doing so good. If he ever drank again because of me, I don't know what I'd do. I can't say I love him as much as he loves me right now, but I care for him a lot. He tells me I'm beautiful just the way I am. Even though I tell him I don't believe him. He loves my boys as if they were his own.

Today, as I was leaving work, my phone rang. My husband and oldest son had gotten home and the youngest wasn't there. The door was locked; no lights on. Book bag - nowhere in sight. My heart sank. After a few tense minutes and a million terrible thoughts, they found him at the neighbors. Left his key at school. We were so worried. His piece of garbage father is roaming around and here he is - missing. My husband had a talk with him before I got home. He told him how much he loved him and would hate for something bad to happen to him. My husband would die for my kids and he's even said he would give his life for me. I know that sounds melodramatic, but it's true. He really would.

I'm not sure what to think right now. I want everything and deserve nothing.

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Not Too Bad Today

2007-09-27

Today was a pretty okay day. I only worked half a day so that was really nice (even though I've been working at home for the last few hours). I talked to John's probation officer and he assured me he would talk to him this afternoon about his actions & whereabouts.

Also, I met my 1st ex to see him and his new home (sorry Barnabus, but I couldn't resist). It was nice and not as scary as I thought it would be.

He looked the same - just older and chunkier (not much), but who isn't the older we get? Still looked great after all these years. His new house is going to be really pretty and his kids will have a nice, quiet place to grow up and play. I enjoyed talking, but I wish we could have had more time. I could have stayed for hours talking, but oh well. Maybe one day we can get together longer. Who knows? I can't foresee the future and I'm not trying to. I'm just trying to take life one day at a time. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

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Bad Boys, Bad Boys

2007-09-27

Called the police yesterday. I thought about it long and hard and finally did it. The much older "kids" and an adult or two have taken over the riding trails that run all through the woods behind my house. Lately, one of them has been inviting my 14 year old to join them for some "fun". At least three times. My son told me the boy has this dazed look on his face and doesn't seem to comprehend what is being said to him. The finally straw - my son told me the 5th grader across the street was offered drugs. I have a 5th grader too. I didn't care what they were doing back there until I heard that. Now that's going too far when they involve little kids.

So, two cops showed up yesterday at my house and we took a little walk through the woods. The found a nice little set up back there and some proof of their activities. Come to find out, the cops have been watching these people, but didn't know where they were hanging out. Now they do. This should be interesting to say the least. They are planning on coming back when they are most likely to be back there and catch them in the act. Night vision and everything. Sounds so cool. This weekend may prove to be more interesting than the usual ho hum. Another popcorn moment!

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Heads Will Roll

2007-09-27

I talk to the people yesterday who saw my ex the sex offender. He was driving a blue beat up truck. He doesn't have a license and won't for years. That tells me he's up to the same stuff and he doesn't care if he breaks the law. Of course, the website still gives his address as a homeless shelter at least an hour from where he was seen. His curfew alone should have kept him from being at the WalMart that evening. Another snub of the rules. I'm going to verify today that he really is on probation like the commonwealth's attorney told me he would be. I mean, he should be back in prison now if they wouldn't have screwed up the last time. The attorney told me he would be on strict supervision. Doesn't appear to be though. Somebody isn't doing their job somewhere along the line. They are going to wish they had. I'm tired of the screw ups. My youngest said he's scared and now he will have to run home when he gets off the bus. I told him that he just needs to be aware of his surroundings and be prepared so he'll know what to do if need be. Maybe the dogs will finally get a chance to "take a bite out of crime". Not that I want my kids to have to deal with that, but it would be "sweet" (as my boys would say) to get John good. Just recently the mutt jumped the fence and scared the cable dude so bad he wouldn't get out of his truck. The rottie didn't have to do a thing. If she would have gotten loose, the cable dude probably would have left with a piece of his ass missing. I've been waiting for the dogs to finally make up for tearing up the back yard. Make all the bull worth it in a way. I just hope I'm here when it finally happens. Got the popcorn ready . . .

The woman he was with apparently looked old enough to be his mother too and she had a small child with her. I wonder if that's a violation in itself? I was told by probation before that he could be around any children so I need to check on this. He's not paying support and showing his face in my "neck of the woods". If he can shop, he can pay up. Of course, he use to shoplift from WalMart regularly so maybe they need to know to watch out for him too. Maybe I'll check this out too. I may look harmless, but looks can be soooooo deceiving. I told him to stay away and that didn't just mean within spitting distance. I'm not afraid of him. Not really. Quite frankly, I don't know what I would do if I ran up on him. Especially if the kids are there. Mother bear, mother bear. I would do anything to protect them from him. Today is going to be a busy day. Hopefully I will get some answers.

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Just Leave A Message

2007-09-25

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Does It Ever Stop?

2007-09-25

Okay. Here's something else going on in my brain.

Hubby #1 called the other day and we're going to meet Thursday to check out his new house (sans wife). Needless to say, I'm scared. Scared of what he will think of me. Scared that I will just keel over. Just plain scared. I might die before Thursday gets here. My heart can't deal with so much stuff right now. Poor little thing's going to beat itself silly. Okay, maybe not. Sure does feel like it though. Feeling better now that I got that out. Maybe now my brain can relax a bit.

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My Heart Skipped A Beat

2007-09-25

My sister called a little while ago. My second husband has been sighted only 20 minutes from my home; on my side of "town". Two members of my church saw him in the Wal-Mart closest to my house. Said he was huge with a dark-haired, heavyset girl (sorry, not the point). He's on my turf. I go there alone and with my kids. He's suppose to be living in Petersburg in a homeless shelter. Or at least that's what the Virginia Sex Offender Registry indicates. If that's the case, what's he doing an hour to hour & a half away from there? Somebody better have some answers tomorrow. Either he hasn't reported to his PO or they're not updating stuff in a timely manner. I tell my husband and he doesn't have much to say. Told me not to worry about it. If John sees me he'll try to avoid me. I don't think so. John is too much "in your face" to back off. He would do anything to make me fear him. That was his MO you know. Scared the hell out of you will his words especially when you knew they would be backed up by with physical violence. I hope he ain't beating on that girl, but a small part of me hopes he is. That way it wasn't just me. That way I can say not everything is my fault. I didn't deserve or bring on what I got. I'm still really pissed off. I don't know how I would react if I came face to face with him. My heart, I know would be beating out of my chest. It was beating really hard when my sister called. Rage. I feel rage. I would want to rip his lungs out, but sadly, I can't

I wouldn't want my kids around if I ran into him. Okay, I need to drop this topic because it will consume me. I'm a bit obsessive at times and it can be hard to control. Another defect.

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Not So Bad

2007-09-23

This weekend turned out to be not so bad. I barely left home. It was fabulous!! Hubby - gone most the weekend. Oldest - gone most of the weekend. Youngest - stuck to the other computer. Very peaceful. Gave me a lot of time to myself to think. For me thinking is a constant thing. If my mouth ain't moving the gears in my brain go into overdrive.

I worked on the school's website a lot this weekend. It has outdated information on it and I'm trying to get it up to date. Oh my achin' ass. I think I've smoked 4 packs of cigs all weekend. My lungs are praying for Monday so I'll have something to do with my time.

Waiting on dinner right now. Hubby went to his brother's to watch the game (Redskins lost) and he's picking up pizza on the way home. Mmmmmmmm Eating Pizza

Well, I'm looking forward to work tomorrow. I can talk to Matt then. I enjoy that so much. I hope he had a nice weekend. We all deserve one.

I'm going to relax for now. I think I'm tired of my lazy weekend . . .

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Tired of Being Johnny on the Spot

2007-09-23

I think I understand why I get so angry when things don't go my way. It's not really that - not exactly. The way I see it, I do everything I can to give to others and I expect (just once in a while) the same in return. When that doesn't happen it really pisses me off. I mean, I bend over backwards to please others; sacrificing myself in the process. Do whatever it takes to make them happy. Co-workers - anything to make their job easier even when it makes my job harder. Kids - new clothes, new shoes, gizmos & gadgets - me, what do you mean buy ME something? Husband - anything so he won't complain that no one loves him or cares about him. Parents - anything so they will be proud of me & not think I'm a failure. The list goes on and on. Then, when I want to do something for myself I expect the same. That's a joke. When I make plans they are superseded by others ideas. Go shopping. Sure . . . Just make sure you take the husband's vehicle so you can get an oil change, get gas so he won't have to, etc. Take my vehicle; the same stuff. Chores & errands. Can't I just go somewhere and not have to think of anyone but myself?

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