Happy Halloween!
2007-10-31
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Take One Down . . .
2007-10-31
I thought I was doing pretty good recovering from my surgery, that was, until today. I didn't start taking my meds until I got back from a doctor's appointment since I was driving myself there. Ever since, I've been getting sick every time I take my medicine. Feel so dizzy, like the worst drunk I can ever remember. Called my mom. She said I might be allergic to one of them. So now I waiting on a call from the on call doctor. Nothing is really going right today. Late to a doctor appt, jeep trouble on the way there (oil pressure sensor or something like that), husband calling my like some looney tune stalker. He called me just I was pulling into the garage to get my car checked. Just wanted to let me know he noticed I was out and about, probably shouldn't be driving and listen to the doctor just like his mother. I would love to wrie more, but my fingers aren't working too good. Hell, I can barely see the keys. Later!
2 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Lost In The 80's Tonight
2007-10-28
Chicago - "Hard To Say I'm Sorry/Get Away"
Everybody needs a little time away
I heard her say
>from each other
Even lovers need a holiday
Far away
>from each other
Hold me now
It's hard for me to say i'm sorry
I just want you to stay
After all that we've been through
I will make it up to you
I promise to
And after all that's been said and done
You're just the part of me i can't let go
Couldn't stand to be kept away
Just for the day
>from your body
Wouldn't wanna be swept away
Far away
>from the one that i love
Hold me now
It's hard for me to say i'm sorry
I just want you to know
Hold me now
I really want to tell you i'm sorry
I could never let you go
After all that we've been through
I will make it up to you
I promise to
And after all that's been said and done
You're just the part of me i can't let go
After all that we've been through
I will make it up to you
I promise to
(There's another lyric to this song, but I don't like it.) I really love this song and it means so many things to me right now.
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
R.I.P.
2007-10-28
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
About Last Night
2007-10-28
I don't have internet access tonight, but I did want to recount how I feel this evening. I'm sitting alone outside my parent's "home away from home" camper. The kids come here every year to trick or treat and, since dad's in the hospital and my sister's at a party, I'm doing it this year. I've never spent the night here. My husband couldn't stand the thought of it. Now, it's pretty nice. Quiet, you can actually see the stars real bright. I'm sad. I don't know why. You'd think I'd be happy now that he's gone, but there are a few things I loved about him. He loved me, chubby and all. He told me I was pretty though I still don't believe him. He would attack me some days before I could hardly get through the door. He actually wanted me. But then there was everything else. Feeling trapped; accused of lying and cheating more times than I could count. Sure, some things were getting better. He was working and thinking clearer. But I couldn't stand how he put my parents down and pitted my kids against each other. Sometimes he would try to pit them against me. I felt so insignificant at times. Sorry my thoughts are here and there, but I just haven't been myself lately. I've lost a few more pounds - down to 159. My goal is 145, but I'd like to beat that if I can. Not really hungry lately. Kind of have to force myself to eat. I understand why, but at the same time I don't. I wonder who he's with tonight. I hate the thought. My mind goes so many places it shouldn't. I have no true friends. All I have is my kids and my job. No one to really talk to. My mom tries to preach to me and my sister tries to analyze me. Dad he's quiet. Never says much. I always wonder if I am a disappointment to him. I don't trust too many people so there are very few that know everything about me. I hate who I am and the things I've done in my life. I feel like white trash to my first husband. All his nice things and me, I really don't have much of anything. I feel like a disappointment to everyone in my life that hasn't abandoned me yet. I'm still looking forward to my surgery on Monday; a whole week off from work too. I think I've died and gone to Heaven.
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Just Us Three
2007-10-26
Well, now it's just the three of us. Me and my two boys. Husband left me yesterday. Said he couldn't take "it" anymore. We sat on our couch and discussed the money he would owe me for certain bills and what we would do about the vehicles. No fighting, no arguing. Serene almost. It's a blessing, yet I'm so sad. I know he will go back to what he once was. No, I don't wish this for him. I wish him the best if he thinks he can do better. He will fail because he is incapable of taking care of himself. The thought of that really hurts. On the other hand, I feel such relief. No more hearing him tear my parents down. No more of the bullshit he tells my kids. Peace. So sad, but calm. Alone. I slept with one of those big body pillows last night. I crave love, but have none. I'm dealing with that the best I can.
On a more positive note - I'm going to really concentrate on taking care of me. I'm having surgery on Monday. I finally got fed up dealing with a problem I've had for about 10 years. For once in my life I'm actually looking forward to having surgery. Covered my bases though. I've already told them I must have a pediatric IV and valium or I'll be petrified by the time I get to the hospital. Checked to make sure the prescription was there today and he gave me not one pill, but five. My doctor is the bomb! Either that or he knows I'm going to need them for the pain. I'm going with the first choice. He does play music and sing in the OR. He's also got an incredible personality. He's going to give me a prescription for something to stop smoking. I hope it works. I'm having some issues getting to and from the hospital though. My husband was supposed to take me, but since he's gone I don't have many alternatives. My mom will be at the hospital with my dad. My sister has offered, but her driving scares me. Not to mention she tries to kill me with psychology whenever she talks to me more than 30 seconds. I think I'm going to have to let her, but hey, maybe I won't care with Valium for breakfast.
Back to a semi-negative note - My husband called tonight. Wanted to know when I could come get some money from him. I told him it wasn't important and I didn't want anything from him. No discussion after that.
Side note - man is it pouring outside! No complaints here. We need it.
Positively positive again - I moved up my counseling appointment so I can talk about the meds she prescribes. I think she needs to try something new. I want better stuff that covers more of my issues. I want to be whole again. The gym is going to be a regular stop too. Once I'm better from the surgery, that's my next project.
Relief. That's what I feel right now. I'm really tired too. Two days in a row falling asleep with my computer in my lap. I'm completely exhausted.
At least I don't have to wake up early in the moring. Mmmmmmmm . . .
2 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Crying In My Cornflakes Again
2007-10-25
I told myself I wasn't going to do this anymore, but here I am again. I've been trying to be more positive and avoid writing anything too negative, but life won't allow that.
Yesterday. my boss changed his mind and now he's going on the trip to Houston. He didn't have the balls to tell me though. Left it up to Sally to do the dirty work. I'd already bought clothes for the trip and everything then, nothing. I wanted so much to go there, far away to escape my world for a few days. Ever since they moved me to a different school (keep in mind I was told I did nothing wrong), I've been miserable most every day. A job I use to love, I dread going to now. One lie after another and, when I need help, no one is there for me. I feel so abandoned. Then, I cry out for help to my husband. Tell him how I feel; crying. His response was sorry. I needed a hug, someone to tell me it will be okay, someone who understood how hurt I was. I forgot my husband isn't that person. I've been there so many times for him, but when it comes to me nothing. So it turns into an argument. Me begging for him to care. Him telling me if I wanted a hug I should have asked. I told him I shouldn't have to. If he truly loved me, he would know how to comfort me. Even dinner was an argument. I made beanie weenies last night since I didn't feel like much else. Kids loved it, but it wasn't good enough for him. Bank account low, I'm trying to save a buck or two til payday and he wants a big meal with all the trimmings. The leftovers are dog food now. Needless to say, I slept on the couch last night. Woke up and the day wasn't any better.
This morning, I'm still the bitch. I still need love, but it's not going to come from him. I told him several times this morning how sad I felt and how much I just wanted to be hugged and still nothing. As usual, he said he's leaving. Tired of having to live like this. Saying terrible things about my parents and oldest son again (the usual when he's mad at me). My son says he doesn't care and he laughs it off, but I know how much words can hurt. So much more than any physical abuse. I still live with the words of my kids' dad. All that hate and I can still hear him after all this time. I took my husband's house key today and he said he would call when he needed to get his other things. I know he hasn't gone far for the moment because he didn't take his medicine with him. I begged him all the way to his vehicle, still telling him how much I wanted and needed that hug and all he could tell me was I shouldn't be outside on the wet ground with no shoes on. Don't love me, but thinks I need shoes so I won't get sick. Who cares if I do? I love my boys, but they prevent me from leaving this world. I hate my very existence.
I'm finally getting that surgery I've been putting off for years (literally). Monday. I don't want anyone to take me there or bring me home. I'd rather die trying than rely on him or anyone else. My sister tells me they have to know who's going to be there for me, but I'm hoping to find a way around that. There's a park near the hospital so if I can just get there, I can sleep off the anesthetic. I really don't care.
I feel so bad right now. My head is killing me and I've got to get ready to go to the hellhole I call work.
1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Cruising
2007-10-23
Got a f*cked up voicemail yesterday. Waited until today to write anything so I write without the emotions I felt yesterday.
My ex's brother got mad at him because I tried to visit the brother in the hospital this past Saturday. I never did see or speak to him. I went there, he didn't want visitors, then I left. Sad, disappointed to the point I got lost in the hospital. That's okay though. My ex told me not to call the brother since he would probably say that (very moody I guess because of his situation). It would be better to just show up. I sent a text to my ex Saturday morning letting him know what I was planning to do. That was before 8am, but I didn't go to the hospital until after 3pm. Plently of time to respond. Sure, he was in the process of moving, but he couldn't take 2 seconds to text back and tell me not to go? So now, I'm the bad guy.
I called back and left a voicemail that his brother and anyone else can kiss my ass. I was just trying to be nice. Thought he could use someone to talk to and maybe get a smile or two out of him. It took a lot of nerve for me to make it that far, but I worked through it. I was so scared to go there, but I finally did it even though I almost changed my mind all day. That's why it took me so long to make it there. Now, he can rot in there for all I care. Followed it up with a text that no one will see me again so problem solved. I mean that too. I feel like I'm only good to talk to anyway when he has nothing better to do. Maybe he needs to rethink his life. New house, new baby on the way, new life. I don't know, but I'm trying to make some changes in my life. Baby steps if you will. I'm taking my anxiety pills several times a day to keep my feelings at bay. Seems to be working. Working on making my life better. Even got the surgery scheduled I've been putting off for a long time. I'm moving full steam ahead. Toot! Toot!
1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Froggie Finds True Love
2007-10-22
Froggie was sitting in his royal throne when all of the sudden, out of thin air, perfect love was dangled in front of his face. Froggie stared at it for awhile, tried to ignore it, but could not resist the simmering temptation to taste the bait. Within seconds, Froggie zapped out his tongue and grabbed the beautiful jewel-like heart swinging on a hook in front of him. Never had he tasted such a bewitching ambrosia of ecstatic love. Froggie's head began to spin, he felt as though he was floating.....but as suddenly as the heart appeared, it was yanked away from him and disappeared into the ether. Froggie now lives with the torture of tasting true love, but not being able to possess it. What Froggie doesn't understand is that the love still exists right in front of him, ripe for the picking, but Froggie is too caught up in his Frogness to be able to see it.
1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
It's a New Day
2007-10-22
I was doing a little research last night about anxiety disorders and, even though there are different classifications of the disorder, I have 99% of the symptoms so I guess I can fit it one way or another into each of them. My obsessive thoughts started this research because I'm so tired of them. Conclusion - I'm going to start taking my anxiety medication daily instead of as needed as the bottle indicates. I've talked to my doc before about this so I want to give it a go so I'll truly know if this is a fix for me. If not, I have enough time to test this out before I go back to see her again. I want to be normal. I hate being a prisoner of my own mind.I need to let go of the past hopes and dreams and try to move forward. Somethings were never meant to be and I need to realize this. Not an easy task if my mind is constantly wishing something completely different. Of course, I'm trying to reason that my hopes may not be the same as others. A lot of time has past and you can care about someone, but that's as far as the thoughts should go. It doesn't mean the feeling is mutual so the thoughts must stop. My thoughts are affecting life at home and they shouldn't. It's not fair to my husband who loves me in his own strange way. I need to be on that page to be completely fair to him. If my marriage dies, it needs to die because of what it truly is and not me finding ways subconsciously to bring it about faster. I may end up completely alone, but that may not be the worst thing either. Only time will tell.
1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Growing Old Together . . .
2007-10-21
2 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Think Your Day Was Bad?
2007-10-21
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Life's Okay
2007-10-21
It really is okay. Life's not completely what I want, but who ever said I'm so special that everything must go my way or else? Nobody, so why be disappointed?
I really am trying to do better with my thoughts. Be positive. Easier said than done, but at least I'm giving it a whirl. Some parts of life really are looking up and I don't feel so negative. I'm working on improving my physical self. No snacks lately and I'm going to start back to the gym on a regular basis. This week it will be hard, but I'll try every day that's not overbooked with life's events. Okay, sounds like I'm making excuses already, but this week is busier than usual.
Monday - oldest has an orthodontist appt after school/work
Tuesday - poor little Sammie gets neutered (ouch!)
Wednesday - cross country meet for the oldest (never know when they're gonna get back!)
Thursday - dad has surgery (taking off work early!)
Everyday - martial arts, cross country practice, home chores, etc
No wonder I'm tired by the time the weekend gets here!
I hate the thought of Sammie being left alone at the vet. He's never been away like that and he's soooooooo needy (like his mama). It's going to be a hard night for him after the surgery. I'll pick him up on Wednesday, but he's probably not going to be happy with me. My husband did agree to keep the other dogs out of the house til Sammie is feeling better. That's a plus!
Dad's surgery. He's having knee replacement surgery and it will be the first time in his 64 years he's ever had any type of surgery. He's pretty scared, but I think he'll be okay. I told my mom to check with the doctor about giving him a "happy pill" the morning of the surgery. It will calm his nerves and he won't care so such about what's happening to him. I learned to get hooked up after I had surgery a few years back that left me in tears before the surgeon even started. I'm terrified of needles so I can work myself into a tizzy long before I get to the hospital! He gets a morphine drip afterwards so I already told mom dad will be a happy camper without a care after he comes out. I can't wait to see my dad walk without as much pain (other knee will be done later). He's had bad knees ever since I can remember - they've just gotten worse over the years.
Went shopping yesterday for clothes for the Houston trip. Oh, I probably didn't mention it in previous posts, but I get to go to a conference for work in November. I haven't been on a plane in about 19 years so this is a little scary for me. Worried the plane will crash, but if it does I'll be dead so it really won't matter. At least that's how I'm trying to make the scary thought less scary. I hate living with my fears. I miss out on a lot because of them.
Speaking of fears. I tried to visit my 1st husband's brother in the hospital yesterday. I was so afraid of being rejected. In a way I was. I finally worked up the courage to see him and he didn't want visitors. Said for me to call. That thought scares me too since I don't know how he feels about me (haven't seen him in about 5 years). I'm going to call this morning. I really am. If he doesn't want to talk to me or see me at least I'll know. At least I'll be on the phone so if the conversation goes bad I won't have to deal with the face to face aspect of the moment. I hope I'm just being silly, but my fears are very real to me even if I know exactly what my mind is doing. That's what I hate about my anxiety. I'm smart enough to see it for what it is, but it is so hard to stop my mind from believing my fears are anything but real. I feel powerless so often and I hate no being in control.
My ex moved into his new house yesterday with his family. I hope that works out for him. That's all I want to say on that.
Me, still living. That's always a big plus. Maybe one day I'll be able to accept what life has dealt me. Until then, I'll keep doing the best I can and try to smile more. Make people wonder what you're up to . . .
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Unlucky In Love
2007-10-14
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Wordless Wednesday
2007-10-10
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Round Two
2007-10-05
Woke up this morning. Made the coffee. Stood about three feet away from the couch and said "wake up." The bell rings and round two begins. I was told not to stand over him and wake him him up like that. Like what? Then supposedly I woke the kids "nicer" than him. I swear I didn't do anything any different for anyone. I forgot. The punishment isn't over yet. I never know when it's over. Forgiveness is a joke. He's been forgiven so many times. Even when he would get drunk and run away to be with his homeless buddies, I would forgive him and pick him up. Even when he totaled our car and went to jail, he was forgiven. When he puts down my oldest child and my parents, I'm supposed to get over it and forgive him. He was just mad. Forgive him. Me - I hurt myself in frustration and he even turns that into me hurting him. Last night, I'm crying, apologizing and getting more and more frustrated. My first thought - beat my head on the wall, the dresser anything since I can't do anything right. So what do I do, hit my head on his chest and, yes, it hurt me. I wasn't trying to hurt him at all. Just me. His take - I hit him. Okay, technically yes, but not the intent. Hurt me a lot more than it did him. I only saw him as a slightly softer target for my head. He doesn't see it for what it is. It's all about him. I guess that's part of why I keep doing it. I don't want anything bad said about me. He will tell anyone and everyone that everything is me. He's just the perfect husband who deserves "better than this". Sure, and I asked for all this shit. I'm expected to do everything, be everything and say absolutely nothing. Him, he can do whatever he wants and I better not say anything. If he does anything wrong, I'm not supposed to say anything. He treats me bad - don't expect an apology. I'm supposed to forgive, don't talk about it and forget about it. Double standard big time. I told him I hated him and I hoped he died today. I meant every word. I want out, but at the same time I don't want to be a failure. Sad part, I already am. No matter what, I'm always the bad guy. I love my boys, but I wish they weren't here so I could leave. Permanently. I hate this world. Too many bad days and not enough good. Too scared to end everything and leave my boys behind. I hate everything. Some people were meant to be miserable. I'm one of those people. I could go on and on. I'm tired of this. Now, off to work. Another place to be miserable. Another shitty day, another shitty weekend. Great.0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Round & Round
2007-10-04
Somehow the title seems so familiar. Maybe not a previous one I've used, but S.O.S. different day. Watching a couple on tv cuddling
I wish. My husband's sleeping on the couch. He was going to leave tonight. I stopped him. Why? I'm not sure. Lately, he's been taking his alcoholic co-worker home after work. Great. Two alcoholics. One wet; one dry. Stops on the way so the guy can get his beer & liquor. Loans him $20 today. Says he don't know what he did with it, but he did get a 12-pack on the way home. Gee, what did he need to borrow it for? Okay, the dry guy buying alcohol for someone else. AA told him that's not a good thing. Kind of like buying it for himself. He doesn't see any of it that way. He sees only one thing - I'm the bitch. Nagging, hateful bitch. That's me. We argued about something else too on the way to drop of my youngest at martial arts, but I can't even recall what that was about. I just remember him being pissed at me and me apologizing for giving a shit about him and that I shouldn't give a damn since he's a big boy. Of course, I didn't say it that way. So later, everything seems fine. Yeah, right. We get home from the store and he's laughing about dinner with my oldest. I leave again to pick up the youngest while they start dinner. Come home; everything seems normal (at least for us). I pass him in the living room & pat his butt (thing athletes). His response, "Don't touch me." Excuse me? What the hell did I do now? Come back home, clean up the mess from them prepping dinner (didn't complain either), run water for the dirty dishes, etc. I apologized earlier for anything and everything even though I wasn't at fault for half of it. I'm still paying for earlier and I will pay until he thinks I've had enough. This pisses me off even more. Bitchfest ensues. Later, he forgets he's mad at me. Later, he remembers and sleeps on the couch. Why did I stop him from leaving? I really don't feel love for him, but a need to care for him. Keep him safe and sober. Like the world will stop if I don't. I don't understand at all. I feel trapped all over again. Once by fear, now by my own messed up way of thinking. I can't stand to feel rejected. As much as I want him to go, I can't stand the thought of another failed marriage. I'm so tired of it. The one thing I never wanted to be. Just like my dad's mom. Alcoholic & married 4-6 times I think. All I ever wanted was to be like my parents. Married to the same person forever. You know, the bullshit fairy tale that really exists only in books and in my head. Not reality. I hate my life. I'm so sad most of the time. Tired of everything. I wish I could just run away, but I can't. I can't leave my boys and that's about the only reason I'm still here. I know a lot of people say they wish they were dead, but I really fight the thought. All because I hate my life. I feel like I was born to be punished. I haven't found much else use for me on this planet. I question God daily. I don't understand why He doesn't like me. My life's been crap since I was very young and it doesn't really ever seem to get much better. For me, one step forward and two steps back. I think it started to go downhill at ten when my grandpa died. I remember being happy up to that point. After that, not so good. All that's in the book I'll never write, but should. Well, here I am again. Writing late at night. Wishing I could be someone else. See happiness for more than a day or two. I wish. Why isn't there an edit button for life and not just my computer? Here I sit again wishing for a miracle to save me from myself. Not just my personal life sucks. My work life sucks too.
Work. Yep - I've spruced up my closet, umm, office. Broke down and bought a fan to cool down the sweatbox. Rearranged the junk to make more space & got a little table to give me more room to work. I hate it. The people are nice for the most part, but everything else is crazy. Weird stuff still happening. I've complained, but they look at me like I'm crazy. Okay, so if I'm so crazy how did I get deleted from every school's distribution lists, but my own? You can only do that through AD after logging in to the server as the administrator. I had noticed the volume of emails decreased a lot, but didn't think nothing of it until someone told me about an email that I should have gotten through another school's list. Sally added me back to all of them. Now I has a witness to the crazy stuff that keeps happening to me. I hope it happens again so they know that someone is really messing with me. I wish I could confirm it myself so I could rip someone's head off. I didn't do anything to deserve all the stuff I've been dealt lately. I deserve a break today at McDonald's 
Well, I'm so tired right now and I have the whole bed to myself. If I ever had the money I would definitely get a king size bed. Lots of room to breath. Mmmmmm . . .
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Created with ShoutPost
