[FroG LeGs Anyone?]

Just Around the Corner

2007-11-27

Court's tomorrow with ex #2. I called the court yesterday and verified they served him even though it was by posting. I'm planning on getting there a bit early to see what he's driving, etc (assuming he even shows up). Hopefully, everything will turn out good. Still, no more support has posted this month. We could sure use it. I won't get paid til Friday so we are really having to pinch our pennies. A bill or 2 left to pay, but I'm hoping everything works out and I don't have to pay them but so late.

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Crying in His Cornflakes

2007-11-27

Spoke with my lovely husband yesterday. Called him on "business" only to let him know what the deal was on getting the jeep in my name only and about the bills for December he is responsible for. He keep trying to interrupt with the "I've been thinking" line, but I just talked right over him. Then, he says he's been thinking a lot and crying too. Yeah right.

I told him he gets no sympathy from me. He walked out on me. He told me he was happy and our marriage wasn't going to "work out". Gone for a month and now he's crying? What took him so long? I guess he finally figured out I wasn't kidding. I had told him before I was willing to try marriage counseling and he claimed he would go too. Only catch was he had to find a doctor & set an appointment. I won't do it because he will claim I convinced the doc everything is only his fault, etc (been there before). He never made any effort. Hell, he never made an effort to do anything to resolve our problems. Just put all the blame on me. I told him after he left I wasn't going to play this game. He can't leave, do whatever he wants with whomever, then expect me to sit idly by. He was waiting for me to accept responsibility for everything and beg him to come back. Too bad I'm finally strong enough not to fall for that. Not deperate enough that I need him in my life that bad. I told him I was tired of being responsible for everything and I meant it. I hope he really is crying. He should be.

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Redskins' Sean Taylor Dies

2007-11-27

Such a sad ending for someone with such a promising career ahead of him.
To read the full story click the link below.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/11/26/sports/main3539429.shtml

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Crickets Chirping

2007-11-25

Where is everybody? All the Shoutpost accounts and only four people online. What's up with that?

Thoughts anyone?

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Quote for the Day

2007-11-25

"Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe."
Voltaire

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Just Keeps Calling

2007-11-25

I don't know why, but now he keeps calling. Didn't want me. Didn't want to do anything to fix our marriage. He said it's not going to work and I'm tired of hoping that it will. Wasn't calling before and now that I'm done, he won't stop. Now the cell phone is ringing too. I wonder if I can change the number. I need to check on that. I hate him. I feel used. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I made him. He has the opportunity to have a good, productive life because of me. He readily admits this so it's not like I'm lying, bragging or anything else. Just stating a fact. He won't stay on the right path without help and his family can't do that for him. They are as screwed up as he is. He stuck me with all the bills and, in turn, he stuck himself with himself. I'm not sure who's got it worse. After I get Wednesday's court hearing out of the way (good or bad), I'm going to start working on divorcing him completely from my life. I want to look around and (for the most part) not be able to tell he was ever here. If there ever is another someone for me they are going to have to find me. I'm not looking for nobody. I want someone that can give for a change. Not just monetarily (only an equal of sorts), but emotionally. I need a rock in my life; not someone in need of "fixing" that I have to care for. I wasted so much time on him.

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Quote For The Day

2007-11-24

"To love abundantly is to live abundantly, and to love forever is to live forever."

Henry Drummond

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Leave Me Alone

2007-11-24

Now that jackass is calling. Maybe he figured out I wasn't kidding. Maybe he realized he was wrong. Maybe I'll never really know. All I know is "I DON"T CARE".

F*ck him. For real. I made him what he is today and he knows that. He told me himself. He has truly f*cked up as he will never find someone like me. I'm not bragging. I'm just being honest. I am a good person and I deserve to be loved by someone who sees me for who I truly am. I may screw up & do stupid things, but I deserve better.

Thanks for letting me have my moment. I needed that.

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No One to Kill the Spider

2007-11-24

The Rules were laid down today. Told my husband to get his stuff & his dog out of my home by 12/04/07. If not, everything will be gone and he'll never get any of it back. I'll take that dog somewhere and his clothes to Goodwill. I told his mother too so he can't say I didn't tell him. I hate him. Sounds strong? No way. I mean ever word of it.

Big, no change that, HUGE spider running around the living room. I'm so scared of them. I can deal with snakes, lizards, frogs, or any other animal like that. Spiders, bees and bugs I can't handle. Don't like to kill spiders either. Scared it's going to jump on me or something. I've always been that way. Ever since I was a little girl. No one here to kill the spider. Just me. Now where's that vaccuum?

I guess some things never change no matter what happens in life.

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Damn Cold Weather

2007-11-24

Somehow, between the cold temps yesterday and the breeze, I got myself a sore throat. Won't be blowing those leaves today. Maybe I'll burn the ones in the woodline my water hose can reach, but that's it. I was trying not to go out today, but I may end up having to anyway.

My oldest is having his first, safe (bring a friend) date today. My mom is dropping off him and his friend and the young lady will be meeting them at the bowling alley. Only big rule - no one is allowed to leave the building. They should have a great time. She seems like a nice girl so that's a plus too. I can't wait to hear how it went. I like watching my son blush. It's so cute.

My youngest is still with Grandma playing with his little cousin. Mom said she'll probably take those two bowling or something tomorrow. He's still playing with his DS Lite thing too. The toy made it 24 hours without getting broke so there's hope it last a while. He loves electronics (like his mom) so he usually takes care of that stuff better than anything else. Once his brother gets one he plans on selling/trading his Game Boy. Cool thing about this DS Lite is that it can play Game Boy games too. At least the games won't be sitting around collecting dust.

I keep thinking about Christmas. It's going to be tight this year, but doable. Doodlebug has already made his Christmas list and nothing is too expensive. Maybe he knows Santa's got to tighten his belt this year and he just hasn't let me in on it yet. I swear he still believes in Santa though. His friends say Santa doesn't exist, but he tells me he doesn't believe them. I figure if I buy one or two small things weekly until Christmas (starting next week) I can spread things out enough to budget better and still not run out of money. We'll see . . .

Sam has finally calmed down this morning. He's been running around like crazy all morning. Probably wore himself out. Good! Maybe I spoke too soon since he's under the blankets barking:) Stupid dog! (to borrow a line from Courage the Cowardly Dog)

Dinner tonight - chicken tenders, a piece of fruit & a veggie (if I have any). I've been trying to eat whatever I find in the house to save money. Haven't had to resort to the Dog Food Diet yet Barnabus! I've been thinking about renting a moveie, but that would require me to leave the house so it probably won't be happening.

Got a court date in 4 days with ex #2. I hope me & the boys get that increase in child support. It would sure help around the house. I haven't been thinking about it too much, but I'm betting that will change as the date gets closer. I'm trying not to stress over it. Hope for the best and plan for the worst is the angle I'm working. Heck, they may not even get him serve so I'm trying not to waste my time on negative thoughts. Wow! Maybe I am starting to get better. Shows I have been working on myself. Not just talking about it. Sure I have my setbacks, but who doesn't.

Making progress everyday. . .

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Virgo

2007-11-24

Some of this I see in myself; some others have said but I do not see. Hmmmmm.....

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Never Be Afraid

2007-11-23

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Today's a Good Day

2007-11-23

I'm happy today. I was just sitting here (smiling too) thinking about the day. Nice. No big rush.

Me and Doodlebug went to the GameStop so he could buy himself a Nintendo DS Lite (or something like that). He actually saved enough money and for him to hold onto money that long, well, that's amazing. He was going to buy himself a used one & a game, but he ended up walking out with a brand new limited edition gold one that came with a game. It only cost him three weeks of not getting his allowance. That was his best deal since his way would have ended up costing just as much. He smiled all the way to grandma's house!

Later I blew leaves, burned them and played with Sam. Now, I'm just happy. Hanging out alone on my couch. Nice.

Just finished watching two of my favorite tv shows: Ghost Whisper & Moonlight. Might be corny concepts, but that's my style. I like getting to watch what I want to. You know it's bad when you've seen the same episode of Cops at least twice. Sam's snoozing beside me. He is the goofiest dog I've ever seen. Absolutely spoiled to the point he drives me nuts sometimes. Me and a needy dog. Who would have guessed that combo? Ha!

Well, I want to lay back and watch tv and I can't do that if I'm on the computer. Until later . . .

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Falling Leaves

2007-11-23

Will the leaves ever stop falling?

I've been blowing & burning leaves for 3 days and yet, every morning, I awake to more leaves. My hands have blisters, but I really enjoy doing it. If the breeze would stop it would be even better. I just wish they would hurry up and finish. Burning the leaves is the best part, but I can't do it up good without fearing I'll burn the woods up. Sure don't want a visit from the fire department! Maybe tomorrow. It's suppose to rain for a few days straight this week so you know what I'll be up to again tomorrow . . .
Woo! Hoo!

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Happy Turkey Day

2007-11-20

I wanted to put this out now since I hope most of us will be too busy with family, friends and turkey to get online.

May you all have a happy Thanksgiving and be safe so you can return here to blog again!

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Tired of Hoping

2007-11-19

Yes, I said it. I'm tired of hoping for the best. I started blogging this past February because of my husband. No one to talk to. No one to listen. It didn't matter though if anyone did. I just needed an outlet for my feelings. Well, now I finally took a big step. I told my husband he wouldn't hear from me again. I mean it. No more calls. I promise. He tried to call after that, but I didn't answer.

That's right. I'm tired of dreaming of having that special someone to grow old with. I'm not just tired of this husband, I'm tired of hoping for any happy marriage. Maybe it's not meant to be for me. My sister told me that the only way to break co-dependency is to remain alone for a long while. I need to realize that I don't need someone else to be happy. Mind you she's been married 3 times and got a live-in now. So who do I listen to? I have no idea. If I listen to me, well, you can see the results. No, I'm not looking for a pity party either. The month's almost over and I'm not broke yet. How? I have no idea, but I'm doing it. One day at a time.

Went to the gym again today. Told myself I wanted to do it for me, stuck in the ear buds and sweated my butt off. Going again tomorrow too. I'm down about 7-8 pounds so I'm pretty proud of myself. Picked up the aerobics schedule too. Haven't gotten released by my doctor yet, but I can plan ahead. My boys have been going with me. I'm hoping my youngest will drop some pounds too. He's pretty excited about it and my oldest is quite the motivator. They worked out with each other tonight while I walked (quickly) for 25 minutes for a little over 2 miles. Not bad for someone who hasn't done much exercising in a loooooooong time. Tomorrow I'm going for 3 miles. Maybe next year I can run the 5k. Now that's something to shoot for.

See, I'm not a downer all the time. I just have to get things off my chest; then I can move on to other thoughts. Not to say the bad thoughts don't creep back in, but I try not to let them take over.

Well, I want to play a little Jewel Quest. So, later gators!

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A Kiss - I Think Not

2007-11-18

Today was a day of decision.

I drove around a lot thinking about life. Thinking of recent events and wondering if I'm just playing the fool again. I sat at the park and thought awhile too. So many thoughts and no real answers.

Went and watched football with my husband later in the day. I have so many questions and I don't trust him to tell me the truth. Didn't talk nothing but football even through half time. I told him he missed his opportunity to talk to me and I needed to go. He asked me to give him a kiss goodbye. I told him it just didn't feel right. He hung his head and I walked out the door.

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Outta Here!

2007-11-18

Today, I'm getting out of this house.

I barely left my couch yesterday. No kids, slept all day for the most part. Of course, when I did wake up I stayed up til after 1am this morning. Not tired though. I think I slept so much because of Friday. My youngest and I went to the gym Friday (3 days in one week - wow!), then I dropped him off at Grannie's for the weekend. His brother was already over there. My husband came by Friday and stayed for a few hours. Told me he's renting a room from one of his co-workers (a female), left money for his bills and I haven't seen or heard from him since. That whole deal still confuses me.

Don't talk much with my first husband anymore. I miss that. It was nice, but oh well. Maybe I'll call him Monday to see what's up with his life. I hope it's going well. I told my mom about making him upset and she told me to just let it be. Don't talk about it. Mom's advice never changes - pretend it didn't happen and it will go away. Not the best advice, but at least I could talk to her about life lately.

Not sure what I'm going to do today. Not complaining, but it's COLD outside and I hate being cold. I hate being super hot too so I'm glad Fall is here, but it came so quick. One minute it's 80-90 degrees; next minute I'm pulling out my jacket. Not much transition nowdays. Damn global warming. I hate to see what the weather does over the next few years. I'm betting on a semi-hard Winter. Haven't had much snow over the last couple of years so I think we're due a bit. In a way, I hope so. Ever since the kids bought their snowboards - nothing! I'd like them to be able to enjoy them this Winter. I remember the snows we got when I was a kid. Things just aren't the same. Again, damn global warming!

Okay, back to today. What to do? Get away from my needy dog! Without the kids here to occupy him, he's attached to me. Under the blankets at my feet right now. Nice, but it can be a bit annoying.

Changed my mind. I think I'll take Sam to the park. He likes to go riding. I just hate that he insists on driving. Not really, but I'm not one of those people that wants the dog in my lap while I'm trying to drive. I wonder sometimes how many pets cause accidents from the driver's seat? Maybe there's some statistics somewhere on that.

Got to go to the grocery store today. Funny, I used to go almost every day when my husband was here. Now, maybe twice a week. Got to rethink the whole "Sam to the park" thought now. Depending on how long it takes me to get off this couch, taking him may not work. Can't exactly take him to the grocery store. Got to go to the dump today too. Decisions, decisions, decisions! Just kidding:)

Well, time to do something. Later!

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Vertigo

2007-11-11

"Vertigo is the feeling that you or your environment is moving when no movement occurs. Imprecisely called dizziness, the term vertigo is the specific term used to describe an illusion of movement. Unlike nonspecific lightheadedness or dizziness, vertigo has relatively few causes." - from http://www.webmd.com/

Lately, I've been having spells of it daily. Often, several times a day.

To back track a bit - about a year ago I was working as a waitress part time. One night I suddenly felt hot, sweaty, sick; then the splitting headache. Next thing I know my co-workers are trying to help me off the floor and I'm so dizzy I can't stand up. After going to the emergency room the following day (I was still dizzy), I was told I had Vertigo.

I hate it. I'm afraid I'll never be able to ride a roller coaster again. I love them, my kids want to get season passes to the theme park this year (we'll have to see if the tax fairy is good this year); now this.

I'm not trying to complain. I just want to know if anyone has any remedies or solutions to share. I haven't had a drink in a looooong time so it's no fun feeling like I had one too many Long Island Ice Teas (mmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!)

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Doodlebug's Birthday

2007-11-11

Today's is my little "Doodlebug's" birthday. Eleven years ago he came into the world - all 9 pounds 7 ounces of him. So chubby; a little cherub. To this day he is still an angel. Sure, he can be rotten and fighting with his older brother is a regular thing, but he has the kindest heart anyone could imagine. He genuinely cares for others - especially the "little guys". He doesn't like to see others mistreated and a lot of his friends are the kids that get picked on, but my baby's not like that.

We had his birthday party last night at Laser Quest. He'd been invited to a birthday party once before at the place, but I'd never been inside. I just knew what they did in there (shoot each other in a dark room with laser guns). Five of his friends were there (plus his brother who'd never been either). They got to play the game twice for about 20 minutes each time, followed by cake, ice cream & gifts in one of the "party rooms". He smiles so big and you can actually sees it in his eyes when he tells me and everyone else that it was his "best birthday ever"! I love to see him say it. It's beautiful to see.

Today, I swear he grew up a little. He's been so good and helpful. He even tried to bath twice! I haven't figured that out yet. Sure, he and his brother have fussed with each other today, but they have played VERY good the majority of the day. It's kind of weird in a nice kind of way.

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Pay Per Post - An Opportunity?

2007-11-11

I'm hoping for a real opportunity with the website www.payperpost.com

I signed up today for their program. I've read through their site and there seems to be a real opportunity there to earn money for doing nothing more than what I'm doing right now - blogging. Just being me is okay. I get to choose what opportunities I want based on my interests and not someone else's. It's like having a part time job without having to leave my couch - much less leaving my home and my family. I hope after reading this, you will take a moment to check it out. It could be the opportunity your looking for too.

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Christmas Year Round?

2007-11-09

When will they just leave up the Christmas decorations in stores year round?

I know it sounds silly, but the Walmart in my area (and other places) started putting up Christmas stuff in October and now that we're barely into November Christmas is in full swing. What happened to Thanksgiving? I'd love to see big stuffed turkeys and colorful cornucopias as decorations. They want the money, but it's like wishing our lives away. Forget all the days in beween because it's Christmas time! Halloween was just as bad, but Christmas should be special. Not for the presents, but for what it represents. Peace, harmony, the birth of Christ, etc. The list could go on and on. It's not about getting cool toys, gadgets and clothes. You can buy that junk all year long if you want to. The prices don't really drop that much (sometimes not at all) and, if you pay close attention, sometimes the prices on some popular items go up since they're items in high demand. Ever peeled back one of those sales stickers to see what's below? Try it sometimes. It might just suprise you.

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The Dog Is Back

2007-11-07

My husband called yesterday. He got into an argument with his mom's other half. Now, he can't stay at their home. He's having a hard time finding a room to rent with his rotweiller in tow. Go figure. Well, that's when he calls me.

Do I want the dog? Why would I want a dog that doesn't listen to me? Okay, after him screaming at me and everything else I told him the stupid dog can stay with me until his sister gets out of jail (supposedly 12/3/07). Then, assuming we're still separated, the dog goes.

Later that night, the husband and the dog show up. Amazingly, no arguing. He stayed for an hour or so, left $40 for dog food, etc then left. I wonder if he noticed the house is cleaner since he's been gone? I wonder if he noticed I'm not stressed? Who knows and I'm not going to ask.

Me and the boys, doing pretty good. Even they aren't fussing with each other as much. I haven't been crying anymore. It's getting easier to let go of my husband. I'm not sure what's in his head, but I'm good with how things are. We've got to be saving money already. I think I've been to the grocery store twice in two weeks. Tonight I need to go, but I don't expect to spend much.

I got my court papers served on me yesterday so my 2nd ex should have his anytime now too. I filed for an increase in support and to make sure things are on the up and up I filed a subpeona duces tecum for his employer to provide his employment/income info. Helps to have friends in the child support/court system. Only mini hurdle now is who will come from the child support agency to represent the case. I know the attorney and he's worried it my look like a conflict of interest even though you can't fudge the numbers. Plug them in and the amount he pays is calculated. All numbers are backed up with written prove they're correct so I don't see the conflict. I just want to go to court and get it over with (Nov 28th). Only thing I hadn't thought about was how to leave the courthouse without having to worry about him approaching me. There's nothing out there to keep him away from me, just the kids. I figure I'll hand out with the deputies (a few are friends) until he leaves or get one of them to walk me to my car. Then drive around a bit before going back to work just in case he tries to see where that is. I hope I don't have to say where I work in court, but if so, I plan on just saying the school system versus the specific school.

Well, got to go to work. I'm planning on submitting a written request (i.e. demand) to be transferred to the new school once they finish it (should be open by the next school year). I figure they can make it up to me for screwing me now. I'm not the one being punished my ass. I even found out yesterday that the person I replaced was the one "fixing" my stuff when I was out last week from surgery. That really pisses me off, but I don't want to complain even though they know that is a big no-no for me. I don't think my boss knows though. I figure I'll bring it up at some point, but I don't want that to be the only topic of conversation when I talk to my boss.

Later!

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Today's Final Thoughts

2007-11-04

I was doing pretty good today once I got out the house. Went to the river and tried to skip a rock. My husband would try to show me, but I wouldn't try. It took a lot of rocks, but I finally skipped one once. Couldn't duplicate it. Took a picture of a little secluded spot I'd never noticed before. It would have been a nice spot to sit in the summer sun, yet be hidden from the outside world. Romantic. Won't ever sit on that rock with my husband.

I worry about him. This isn't really like him. Just to walk away. I'm so afraid he will end up like his father. Dead. Suicide.

When I saw him Saturday, sure he was showered and such, but he hadn't shaved in days. Usually, it's a daily thing. He just didn't look like himself. I know he had been without one of his medications for about a week (the one to control the mania). He was suppose to pick it up when he left that day. I don't know if he ever did.

I visited his mom in the hospital today. I knew no one would be there since the football game & NASCAR were on. Didn't have to worry about running into anyone. She isn't doing good. She was shocked, but happy to see me. She never expected I would come since her son left me. We didn't say much about him. I didn't stay too long when the morphine started kicking in. She agreed to get the nurse and when she got there, the nurse put her back in the bed while I took off all the gear I had to wear. I know she won't tell him I was there. It wasn't for his benefit anyway. I hope she gets better soon.

I know I should be happy that I've been relieved of this burden, but I'm not. I hate him for what he does and says, but I still care about him. I don't want to see him lose everything we worked so hard to achieve.

I'm going to try and sleep now. I'm weary from the tears that come as the day slows and I sit alone again. I know the dreams won't be pleasant. At least I get to go to work tomorrow and occupy myself.

I found this when searching "bipolar". It tears my heart out.