Gas Prices
2007-03-31
Why isn't the rise in gas prices news anymore? At one point, I couldn't turn on the news without hearing about it. It's gone up like 40 cents in only a few weeks, but no one really says much about it. Have we become complacent because we figure there's nothing we can do?2 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Daddy Home from Iraq
2007-03-31
Has anyone seen the recent video where a Dad returned from Iraq and surprises his son at school? I think he was in kindergarten. When he sees his Dad, it justs melts your heart. He runs to his Dad and jumps into his arms. It made me think about all the other children out there who will never be able to hug their Daddy again. If you don't have to wipe a tear away, someone needs to defrost your heart.
This war thing sickens me. Senseless.
I tried to find a copy of it, but couldn't. If anyone finds a copy of the video please let me know where.
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Can't Sleep - Random Thoughts
2007-03-31
Been sitting here for an hour now wishing I could go back to sleep. I was so tired last night I didn't think I needed to take my medicine that helps me sleep. Bad idea. Woke up at 5am, listening to the dogs walking around my bedroom and the central air blowing. It's the sounds that wake me. Most people sleep right through them, but not me.
When I wake up, I'm wide awake. If it wasn't for not wanted to wake up everybody else, I would flip on the tv and clean house. Not that I'm a clean freak, but I do more when I'm alone. Nobody to please but me. So now I'm quietly being bored. No real thoughts going on so I guess the brain isn't quite up to speed yet.
I like the quiet, but hate it too. I can hear my husband moaning and groaning in his sleep. That makes me think more. What's it all about? Who or what is he dreaming of? I wish I had ESP or something. Froggie the Great. Knows all, sees all. But probably wouldn't like what's out there floating in people's heads.
Got a soccer game at 8:15am to be at. I hope the weather isn't going to be too cool this morning. At least the heat finally turned off so I don't have to hear the air blowing anymore. All's quiet again except for the keys of the computer.
Lost one whole pound this week. I'll probably find it at breakfast. Thermometer says it's 71 in the house. Sure don't feel like it.
Might go make some coffee. I never drank coffee until my latest husband. Now, I drink 3 or 4 cups daily. Sometimes more. Problem is, if I make that coffee, my husband will wake up. Amazes me that he doesn't hear much of anything I say, but he can hear the coffeemaker squeeze out the last drops into the pot. Don't feel like dealing with him right now. Love him and hate him at the same time. Drives me crazy. Maybe today will be an okay day. My kids are going to their grandparents later to spend the night. I'll miss them.
Husband's snoring now. Dog scratching in the hall. Turn on the tv and mute it. Weatherman say's it's going to be nice but chilly. I hope it's nice so I can go do something (anything) today. I'd like to go to the river today. We've found a new trail that goes on for what seems like forever. Forgot some 10K run is in town today. Maybe I won't make it to the river. Can't stand traffic. My anxiety issue make it hard for me to drive with a bunch of others. Keep thinking something bad is going to happen. By the time I get to my destination, I'm a nervous wreck. It's worse if someone else is driving me.
Wish I didn't have dial up. Can't get Verizon to see that money is waiting to be made where I live. Need to live close to some little box. I've been calling them for a couple years now and still can't get that stupid box. I'm too cheap, too poor, too whatever to spend $40 plus for high-speed. While most are zooming on the internet superhighway, I'm going down the side of the highway with my walker.
Think my husband might be waking up soon. Moaning and groaning again. Rolling around. Eventually he will realize I'm not there. No "Good Morning!" though. The weekend begins when he bellows "Coffee ready?" I'd like to smack him in the head with that coffee pot sometimes.
I know I complain about him a lot, but he's not terrible all the time. Just when he tries to show his intelligence and flex his "I'm the man" muscles. Could be worse. On those days, I wish I'd never gotten married again. I love him, but I've been screwed over sooooooo many times my mind tells me to keep waiting for him to cheat on me too or something.
Oh well, I'm gonna stretch out on the couch for a few minutes. Gotta wake everyone up in about 20 minutes to get ready for soccer. My guess is, only me and my oldest will go to the game. Going to make the coffee now.
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What an Idiot!
2007-03-30
Got an update on the ex-idiot. Keep in mind, he just got out of prison after almost six years July 2006 for "carnal knowledge of a child 13 to 15 years old" and he's on probation with 14 years hanging over his head.
Got to back track a second to mention that he was arrested January 14, 2007 for drunk in public and his probation was violated as a result. He's been in jail ever since. My current husband, who happens to work with dummy's uncle, told me one story he heard but I'm never sure if he's telling me the real story or just something to see how I'll react. Well, I finally got the details from a friend at the court. John screwed up big time. He was violated for four reasons:
1. Hanging out in a park where children frequent (he can't have contact with any minors - not even his own children).
2. Being out after his 6pm curfew (he was arrested for DIP in the park after midnight)
3. Consuming alcohol (he's not even allowed to buy it, much less get drunk)
4. And the kicker, he was the only adult with three minor girls - 13, 15 and 16 or 17
My friend told me to forget about getting any child support for a while. I told her I would bring popcorn to the hearing. He goes to court on April 10th for a preliminary hearing. I can check back after then to see when the circus will come to town. When I told my mom, she couldn't stop laughing.
See why I'm working on that book? 
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Life's a Lemon & I Can't Make Lemonade
2007-03-27
Life is what you make of it. At least that's what I've heard. Personally, I think bad things happened to some people no matter how hard they try. Ever thought you were the poster child for "Shit Happens"?
One day I'm going to tell my story. The whole story. I just don't know where to start. I figure people will love it since we love to hear about other people's misery. Kinda makes people think life ain't so bad because it could be worse.
Just a taste:
molested for years by a relative
married 3 times (story within itself)
depression
aniexty
suicidal thoughts at times
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Chubby, but Working on It
2007-03-27
Started my "diet" yesterday. I make myself sick (not literally). I quit my second job waitressing in December and gained nine pounds as a result. Kind of funny when you think about it. It's really a lack of exercise since I've never been very motivated in that department. I even went to the gym yesterday with my oldest son and it wasn't so bad. I plan on going again today. Starting weight 161. Got to stay out the chocolates at work too. Managed to avoid them yesterday and told my coworker buddies to smack me if I even think about eating them. I've been working on improving mentally, but if I'm not happy with myself physically the mental part will slow to a crawl too. Wish me luck.
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Long Talk with the Hubby . . .
2007-03-23
Last night, my husband was bitchin' again about me bitchin' all the time. Yes, you heard that right. Just another "everything is always my fault" moment. He finished blaming me for every argument we ever had, telling me I was the problem, etc. - then, I told him what I thought.
Bitchin' to him, pleading to me. I get up EVERY weekday at 4:30am. I make his coffee (a must every morning) and get him up when it's done. About 10-15 minutes after the wake up call, he finally plops on the couch to his waiting cup of coffee. While he sits there, I get his clothes, cook breakfast, pack lunch if needed, get his medicine and make sure he doesn't forget anything going out the door. I try every morning to make his life easier since he's actually working (four months & counting). Before getting treatment for bipolar & alcoholism, he probably worked less days in his lifetime than I do in a year or two). Basically, unemployed more than not. I didn't know all this when I met him - he was working at the time. After he leaves, I wake up my oldest son at 6:21am. While he showers and gets ready, I cook breakfast for him and play on the computer. As Kris leaves for school, it's time to wake Zach at 7:00am. Repeat of earlier, then Zach and I are off to school & work (one in the same for me). After running around all day at work (I'm the only computer tech for my school for everybody there), I drop Zach off at martial arts and go home for the moment. Willie by this time has come home from work, stripped to his boxers (clothes thrown in living room or bedroom floor), got himself a glass of Pepsi and relaxing on the couch to watch the news for the next 2 hours (don't talk during the news either). Once I'm home, any dishes and laundry I didn't finish doing that morning get done and I sit down for a bit until I have to leave again to pick up Zach. Off to the grocery store and home again. Depending on the night, I'll have to leave again to take Kris to soccer practice. Martial arts is Monday through Saturday (his choice) for Zach. Get dinner done at some point and finally sit down. By the way, can't forget to pick up Kris from soccer. Soccer game every Saturday at 8:15am (get up at 7:00am). I take the trash to the dump 99% of the time, I clean with reluctant help from the kids on weekends. Where's Willie on Saturday morning? Asleep. My directive from the night before, he needs to sleep in since he worked all week. Same goes for Sundays. Weekends, coffee better be ready when Willie wakes up or he'll be pissy all morning because I didn't care enough to have it ready and waiting for him. I was never a coffee drinker until him, now I drink 3 or 4 cups every morning. Guess I need the energy. I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the picture. By the way, I'm lucky if I get a thanks out the deal. If he goes to the dump, I suppose to notice, appreciate & thank him. Same goes for the occassional reprieve from dishwashing. Tells me he can't help with laundry unless I want pink clothes. I guess that also affects his ability to fold and put away clothes since I do this too (the kids put up their own). Okay, tell me I'm bitchin' again? I still say pleading.
Just help out without my asking. Don't expect a pat on the back if you actually do something. I don't get this. By the way, I don't respect him either. Where's my respect? In the bottom of the toilet that I'm scrubbing probably. When I'm telling him I'm tired, that's not bitchin'. When I tell him I feel like I'm the only one doing anything, that's not bitchin'. When I tell him he never answers me (or hears me for that matter) when I try to talk to him or tell him about my work today or anything else, that's not bitchin'. That's me pleading.
I think he finally got the point, but it's really hard to tell. Says he did and he'll try to help a bit. But did he really hear me? Guess I'll find out.
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Went, Saw, Conquered - Well Kind of
2007-03-22
Went to court Monday and it was a waste of time to some degree. I did learn a few things though.
I probably shouldn't have gone to court (got that just a little to late), but turned out to be worth the drive. After driving 1 & 1/2 hours to court and waiting another hour for the hearing, it finally arrived. I had perfected how I could hide in the sparsely filled courtroom when they finally called his name. When John came from lockup my heart raced. Every bad thing I could imagine happened in a split second. Then nothing. All that preparation for nothing. He never looked around and faced the judge the entire time. Bummer. Outcome didn't turn out as I imagined either.
The cop said he smelled the strong odor of alchol on John. Then, the judge asked why he was in a different prison jumpsuit and the cop told her John had other cases pending somewhere else. The judge asked the cop the same question later, but I don't remember exactly when. John told the judge he wanted a breathalyzer because he wasn't drunk and the cop wouldn't give him one. Judge told him only drunk drivers get a breathalyzer; not pedestrians. He repeated the same thing to her again. Case dismissed. Wham, bam, another bummer. He turned and walked out, never looking anywhere but ahead and head hanging down slightly. I zoomed out the courtroom as soon as the door closed behind him.
I walked to my car, kicking myself for being so stupid and wasting my time on this. Then, I had that long drive back to work to think. Me and thinking, a pretty dangerous combination at times. But for once, this wasn't one of those moments.
I realized a few things on the ride back. John wasn't as big and bad as I had built him up in my head. All that worrying for so long for pretty much nothing. I won't keel over if I run into him - at least I don't think so. He's still a quick thinker. I wondered if he actually came up with his defense or did he learn a few things from his prison buddies. I learned that he really doesn't have anyone backing him up right now. I mean, he never looked up. Others in lockup had their girlfriends, mommas, brothers and cousins in there just so they could smile and wave at each other for two seconds. I realized I had been worrying too much about people helping him to invade our lives at some point. I can handle it. Cautious is one thing, paranoid is anther.
Of course, for the moment, I still want to go to the violation hearing in my county whenever it gets set. I know I wouldn't worry as much. I'm going to try really hard not to. That's assuming I ever go. It still a while in to the future. I'm just seeing everything as progress. I'm going to get control of this whole anxiety thing one day. Just not in one day. 
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Monday
2007-03-14
I've been obsessing lately, I think. My ex-husband goes to court Monday and I really want to know exactly what happens. Problem is, I don't want him to see me. It's funny how I feared and dreaded his release from prison for six years. Now, I spend a lot of my days thinking of a way to sneak in to court and see him in the flesh. He has been a ghost for so long. I think I'm scared that if I saw him under less controlled circumstances I would, most likely, completely freak out.
He just got out of prison July 2006 and a condition of his probation is that he cannot have any contact with me or the kids. This lessened the possibility of a close encounter of the "oh shit" variety. Even though, I still think I've seen him in my county based on his picture posted on the state police website. I'm not really sure though. It's really eating me up that I don't know exactly what he looks like. It has been for months.
I really want to know happened, too. It's kind of funny how I found out John got arrested. You see, my current husband's supervisor is my ex-husband's uncle. He just doesn't know it. My husband came home one day and told me what he heard at lunch. Something about John being arrested and a girl being involved. Considering he's a convicted sex offender, this REALLY peaked my interest. Then, I found out they violated his probation for drunk in public. He's still sitting in jail waiting to go to court on that. I was lied to for soooooo long by John and, for once, I want to know what really happened. Not John's version. They might even mention something about the violation. This court hearing will help determine what happens at the violation hearing.
Back to my dilemma. Do I go to the court hearing? Negative, it's a tiny courthouse and I don't know how many people will be sitting in the courtroom to hide me. Positive, he can't be one of them since he's going to be lead in from a holding cell. Another negative, he might think I still have some kind of feelings for him and that is far from true.
I'm not sure what to do, but I have to decide by Monday. No matter what I can't stop Monday from coming. 
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