Changes
2007-06-29
Today started out just as bad as yesterday, if not worse. No sense in giving all the details except to say hot coffee was not involved this time. Husband ended up not going to work, but that may have ended up being a good thing.
Biggest thing I told him was that I was not going back to being nobody. I finally have some self esteem, I voice my opinion and feelings; I want to accomplish something in life. I didn't have any of that with John. He killed my spirit for 10 years and I was finally getting it back. I refuse to do whatever my husband tells me to do. That's probably why we fight sometimes. I'm not afraid anymore and I don't back down. I'm not afraid of getting tossed around anymore.
Work was my refuge until my boss showed up this morning with one of the assistant superintendent's of something. Good news; bad news. Next week I will be reassigned to another school. Tulip (if you are reading this) I wanted to tell you today when I saw you at lunch, but they told me I couldn't tell anyone. It was hard talking to you about coming back to school when I knew I wasn't going to be there too. I felt like I was lying to you. Sorry about that. I'm really going to miss you and all my friends there. PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYONE. I'm just not going to be there one day and no one will know until after the fact. They told me it has to be that way.
This is suppose to be a stepping stone to bigger things. Not only will I be responsible for a larger school population, I will be helping to redesign the school website and I think they told me I would be considered the webmaster after that. Also, I will be doing work for another group housed in a different school to lighten their load and learning more from a co-worker about the networking end of things. I'm scared of meeting all the new people and wondering what the person I'm replacing will feel about me. I hope she doesn't hate me. I didn't ask for this, but I look forward to the challenge of being responsible for so many things.
Well, back to my husband. I invited him to lunch with me and the kids after a terrible morning. It was then I told him about what was going on at work. He knew this hurt me because I loved my school and the people I work with. He made me cry when he said the kids will probably miss me. I know I will miss them. 
He hugged me later and told me he was happy I hugged him back. Tonight is going good so far. He and my oldest are at his uncle's house looking at some REALLY nice cars and my youngest has the neighbor spending the night here.
Going to go now. I've got a lot to prepare for and thinking about it is making me tired.
3 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Silent Lucidity
2007-06-28
I was just listening to one of my most favorite songs and I thought I would share it's lyrics. I never quite knew the lyrics until now. It's kind of a sad, but beautiful song. The lead singer is incredible.
QUEENSRYCHE
Silent Lucidity
Hush now, don't you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You're lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life
So here it is, another chance
Wide awake you face the day
Your dream is over... or has it just begun?
There's a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run through in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn't realize it and you were scared
It's a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the years
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly you hear and see
This magic new dimension
I- will be watching over you
I- am gonna help you see it through
I- will protect you in the night
I- am smiling next to you, in Silent Lucidity
[Spoken during solo:]
(Visualize your dream)
(Record it in the present tense)
(Put it into a permanent form)
(If you persist in your efforts)
(You can achieve dream control)
(Dream control)
(How's that then, better?)
(Hug me)
If you open your mind for me
You won't rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You're safe from the pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize
Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but...
I- will be watching over you
I- am gonna help to see it through
I- will protect you in the night
I- am smiling next to you....
2 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Good Day Gone Bad
2007-06-28
Woke up this morning at 5:45 am (as usual). After I took care of Sam and made coffee, I woke dummy up. That's when my great day went to sh*t.
His first words to me as he sat on the couch - Is the coffee done or still in the pot (he thought it wasn't ready yet)? Told him sorry that it wasn't already sitting on the table like it usually is and why else would I have woke him up if it wasn't. The fight was on.
Next thing you know, I'm a b*tch who doesn't care about him. I'm suppose to put him first, but I worship the ground my oldest walks on, I treat him and my youngest like second-class citizens, I don't do anything for him, I think my oldest is like a god and I should marry him, etc. This led to telling me I'm perverted. What the hell? That nasty SOB called me that? My friggin ex is a sick, perverted sex offender. I wanted to rip his head off. All this over a cup of coffee. Even poured hot coffee on my arm. Yes, I did it on purpose. I can't lash out at him (don't want to go to jail), so I hurt myself sometimes. It's as close as I can get to killing myself without actually doing it. Sad, but true. Yes, I do tell my doctor when this happens. My next appointment is sometime this month. He ended up leaving an hour early for work with me throwing his stupid lunch box and cigarettes at his van. I might have woke a neighbor or two. They're probably use to it. Same house, different husband.
Work was the highlight of my day. The boys and I had to set up shop in the library with the bookkeeper because our carpets were being shampooed. We took a laptop, tv, fold out, squishy chair (best I can describe). With bunny ears hanging out the window, my youngest watched tv while my oldest went to work. We managed to image the entire wing (grades PK-1) and take lunch. We made turkey, cheese, tomato and lettuce sandwiches. I hung out for a while watching The Young and the Restless (damn, Nick's alive), then went back to work. I hated to leave, but my feel REALLY hurt after all that walking.
Now, here I sit waiting to take Doodlebug to martial arts. Dummy's still not home. Good.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. Couldn't get much worse. 
2 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Starting Off Right
2007-06-27
My son had his pool party yesterday. I should have brought my suit, but I wanted to spare me and others the sight of me trotting around the pool. It was so hot. Not just hot, but HUMID. He had a nice time. He liked his gifts, but having his two best friends there was the best part for him. I left early so I could stop swimming in my clothes . . .
In work news - I can't wait to get there. The new laptops should arrive today and the boys are going with me to work. They like helping me and I can always use the help at this time of year. We have fun together. Sorry to be weird, but I really like my job.
On the homefront - Hubby woke up at 5am with a headache. His headache was making me miserable (until he left). I didn't play to his complaining, but he was on a roll. Nobody cares about him an he wants to be catered to like the kids (his words, not mine). Blah blah blah. I tried to help his headache this morning when he took three junior strength advil while half asleep. He told me he didn't want to overdose on pills even after I told him he only took enough for an 11-year old (told him to take an adult extra strength tylenol or two) . Had I know he'll take anything in a bottle that looks like asprin I would have put something REAL good in that bottle. Just kidding.
Ex, sicko husband - still sitting in jail. Sad to say, but I wish he would hurry up and get out cuz I could use a little child support. He's probably enjoying his mini vacation. Jerk. I wish I could get in his head to see just how he thinks. I'd probably get lost though with all that crap floating around in his little head.
Me - not letting anything bother me today. Only two more days to payday. Only two more days until the weekend. Hanging out with my boys. Couldn't be better.
Have a great day folks!
6 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Smile
2007-06-25
"Peace begins with a smile." - Mother Teresa
Such a simple, yet powerful statement. The power of a smile is amazing and many times we are completely unaware of what a difference this simple act can make. Think about it -
Has someone taken a moment to smile at you when you are at your worst and changed your course of thinking?
For me, yes. That simple act momentarily lifts my spirits and clears my mind. Someone cared enough to smile. They left whatever thoughts they were having long enough to notice me. A smile says so much. Yet words can't truly describe just how powerful a smile can be.
Peace starts from within.
2 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Better?
2007-06-25
Things are looking up for the moment. Last night my husband admitted he could feel a bad difference in himself. He said he could really feel the anger when he told me he wanted to "knock me in the head". He took his meds voluntarily last night. Strangely enough, no arguing this morning. Hmmmm... When I went to take my morning meds, I didn't offer him his like I normally would. After he saw what I was doing, he asked for one for himself. Making progress everyday I hope. I called his doctor's office today and scheduled an appointment for him so they will refill his medications. I also called around trying to find a new good shrink for him. I'm waiting on a call back from one office tomorrow to see if their Director will accept him as a patient. They do psychotherapy and psychiatry. Keeping my fingers crossed.
So much for him - as for me, my day was GREAT! My boss came to visit and gave me my disk to capture images and image pcs so I was off and running. I going to try and image most of the school tomorrow because our new laptops should come in Wednesday. When the laptops get here, I'll get to take a "field trip" for a day or two to our high school until I get my school's laptops imaged. I want to get a lot of my school specific work done before mid July so I can relax and tweak everything else in August before our teachers come back. So much for work. Next topic please!
I picked up my oldest's birthday presents today. He'll be fourteen June 30th, but he's having his birthday get-together tomorrow. My parents and us got him like "group" gifts. He's knows he's getting an mp3 player, but exactly what, he doesn't. I got him a 2Gb Sandisk Sansa e250r Rhapsody, some earhook headphones and an armaction kit. He will LOVE it! I still can't believe I have a fourteen year old. I don't feel old enough.
Well, later.
4 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Why We Share
2007-06-23
A friend of mine, Rhonda, always use to say "sharing is caring" and we would always laugh about it. I think I understand what it really means now.
By sharing, we do care. We share our life experiences in hopes that our mistakes may help others not to follow the same path. We share our hopes and dream with our children. We care and want them to do better than we ever did. We share history with future generations. We care about leaving a legacy they can learn from; not repeat.
We always laugh about her little saying. I wonder is she realizes just how truth her statement really holds?
1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Coffee Anyone?
2007-06-23
Last night ended pretty good. We hung out at his brother's house after visiting his mom for her birthday. Got home around midnight (he didn't take his meds) and crashed after that. Then came the morning.
He woke up around 8am and, when he did, I told him I hadn't gotten up to make the coffee yet. He continued to the kitchen to make the coffee himself. I hear him complain that were out of bottled water (our well water sucks). I got up and, as I filled the coffee pot, I mentioned that I didn't expect him up so early since we went to bed so late. Then he started yelling at me that I was bitching about that. He stormed off to the bedroom with a stale cup of coffee from the day before yelling at me to leave him alone.
In the bedroom, he can't find the t.v. remote. He wants to know if I know where it is. I found it sitting on the dresser and tossed it on the bed to him. I told him he needs to stop yelling at me because I hadn't done anything to him. He screamed and threw the t.v. remote. It broke into several pieces (I was able to fix it later). He made some comment that I had said something about his medicine, but I hadn't. He said something else like I'll see what he's going to do later, but he didn't say what. He told me to get out of our bedroom and slammed the door behind me. It knocked a plaque off the door he made for me so I put it in the trash.
After about an hour, he came out the bedroom, dressed and going to the store for cigarettes, coffee and breakfast. As though earlier didn't happened. Asked me if I wanted anything. I told him to take his time and he left.
Got home later, still in a good mood. I don't feel like talking to him, but I play nice. He cooks breakfast for both of us. In general, just acting normal after acting like a jerk.
Enough about him for now. My next post will be a bit different.
1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
My Day Sucks Already
2007-06-22
I didn't want to start off a Friday on a bad note, but what choice do I have at the moment? The first thing my husband does EVERY morning is drink several cups of coffee. I hadn't gotten up yet to make it (no auto timer) when he woke up and got out of bed. I asked him where he was going and he got mad at me for asking. I tried to tell him I just wanted to make sure he wasn't going for the coffee since I hadn't made it yet, but he didn't get that part. He thought I was keeping tabs on him. When the coffee gurgled for the last time, he got out of bed and made HIMSELF a cup. I walked in the kitchen, got a cup for me and waiting to make my own cup (I usually make a cup for both of us). He got pissed off because I was waiting for him to finish and threw the spoon in the floor. He asked me if that would give me something to argue or be mad at. I told him I wasn't saying anything as I waiting, but since he wanted to be an ass, I thought he was self-centered to only do for himself when I'm not like that. Before I knew what was happening, I was a bitch. As the kids slept, he yelled at me that all I ever did was make him miserable (another headache for him this morning too) and he didn't like the kids Father's Day gift to him and where was that gift certificate I promised him. Just the other day, he hugged the kids and thanked them for the card, a box of chocolates (his favorite) and book entitled "Wit & Wisdom of Fathers". Just the other day he understood when I told him we would go to town this weekend and he could spend $50 for Father's Day since we didn't have the money last weekend. Now, everything changed. I told him it was just like before - self-centered and nothing was good enough for him. Fighting words again. He left for work an hour early since he couldn't sit and listen to a bitch.
After he left, I called his cell phone and left a message. I told him I was sorry for caring. I'm sorry I keep watching for the little things in hopes that he will see what's happening and go back to the medicine. I said I couldn't pull out my cape for this one; I had no control over this. All I could do is watch my life fall apart. I said I was sorry I loved him enough not to want to lose him, but it was too late. I don't care if he doesn't respond. It's the same as what I asked him to think about, but not answer last night. Is it worth it to lose everything?
I questioned God yesterday evening too. Why me? Why couldn't I find someone who truly cared about me and my kids? I know it's not God's fault, but why can't I just be happy? What did I ever do to deserve a life that only the players change, but nothing else. I wish I could live at my work. It is my refuge. I guess that's why I try so hard to make everything perfect at work because I have some control. I'm proud of what I do and it confirms (at least to me) that I'm worthy and good for something. I wish I were having an affair (those accusations are probably just around the corner anyway). I want someone to love me, care for me and treat me like I'm more than just a housekeeper. I don't want sex. I want the love that other couples have for each other. If this ever ends, I know I will never have this because I'm tired of failing when it comes to love. It just wasn't meant for me.
Sorry for whining. I just hate my life.
4 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Bipolar Patrol
2007-06-21
Only a bit about hubby tonight.
Called me two days in a row wanting to know what I'm doing, when I'm leaving work and wanting me to hurry up and get home.
He asked me what the kids and I had for lunch today. When I told him bologna sandwiches we made in my room (I have a little fridge in there), he wanted to know why I didn't take them out to eat. I had to remind him that I told him yesterday what the kids picked out for lunch and we happen to like bologna sandwiches. I also had to remind him we are broke until he gets paid tomorrow night and our car payment is late (again). It was then he remember what we didn't have in the bank. He just wanted us to eat better he said.
I told him when he called that my oldest was at guitar lessons and my youngest went with grandma to hang out with grandpa and his little cousin. He said why wouldn't he so he wouldn't have to be home alone. I had to remind him that the kids were not at home today, but at work with me (refer back to the bologna sandwich conversation).
Went to bed early tonight. I didn't see him take any pills tonight. I'll see how he sleeps.
1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Not Again
2007-06-21
I haven't posted anything lately. Between work and home, I've been busy. Work is going good now since everyone is gone for the summer break. Can't post from work anymore though. Server is blocking this site so I can only do it from home and home life- not so good.
My husband is refusing to take his medicine. Doesn't think he's bipolar and told me he never was. He thinks he made the doctors see what they wanted. Alcoholism was his only problem and he's got that beat. I've tried to reason with him and tell him that he only thinks he's okay because the medicine makes him that way. If he stops, it will come back and be worse than before. Basically, a ticking time bomb. I tried to get him to see a different doctor, but he won't. So lately, I'm a bitch and everything I say is considered bitching and complaining. Same as before. Now, I'm waiting to be accused of affairs with every male I meet and him believing everyone is against him. It's only a matter of time, but he won't listen. So I told him when the crazy shit starts again, I'm not going through it. I don't want to hear after everything falls apart that he'll do better or he'll start taking medicine again. I refuse to go through everything again. I want him to know now while he's still got some of the medicine in him. I won't be able to reason with him when it's just him. I told my oldest son to watch out for him if he starts acting reckless and protect his brother. We aren't going to be a part of the aftermath. Now, I can only chronical what he does.
For the last couple of days he was very upbeat. More so than usual. He tells me every little detail of his work days even though I tell him I have no idea what he's talking about since I'm not a plumber. As soon as I begin telling him anything about my day, he interupts and starts talking about something totally different as though I'm not speaking. The next minute, he's brooding over some thought and oblivious to me sitting next to him. For two nights he's been moaning and talking in his sleep. This morning he woke up with a bad headache and yelling at Sam (my dog). Cussing more for no reason. It's just the beginning, but I'm afraid of what's going to come. I've read a lot about bipolar, but none of that matters to him. He thinks he can control everything.
At least I've told him how I feel so he can't say I didn't warn him and give him a chance to get back on his meds.
Now, I have to wake the kids and get them breakfast. I hope to be back tonight with more to say.
5 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Created with ShoutPost
