When God Speaks, Listen
2007-02-28
I've been asking myself for awhile "why me" and I think I'm starting to figure it out.
To back up a bit with a little history, I was married for 10 years to a guy who controlled my life through emotional and physical abuse. Whenever we separated things got worse. I couldn't figure out a way to escape and still feel like my two boys and I would be safe from him. Even my family thought I was safer in the home than not. I use to cry and ask God why he wanted me to suffer. I told God he must have something big for me because I was being tested more than anyone should be. I wanted God to get me out of this situation and I didn't understand why he wasn't. To make a long story short, John finally went to prison for having a consentual relationship with a 14-15 year old girl from my church. Needless to say, it was a very public thing. Made the newspaper. Everyone in my church and a lot of people in my small community knew what had happened. They didn't know everything, but that was enough. God finally answered my prayers, but I didn't ask for this. I felt like everyone was looking at me and judging me for his actions. My mom would tell me how much people cared and asked about me, but no one would talk directly to me. No one, not even from my church, visited me or offered to help with anything. I was so angry. I told my mom I felt like I had some sort of cancer and people were afraid of me. Maybe I'd blow up at them or break down in tears. I know I wanted God to get John out of my life, but did he have to do it this way? Even though I was free of John, my life went downhill. I had to take pills to sleep and pills to get me through the day. I drank whenever I could. I was a nervous wreck. It's been over 6 years now and I've been slowing getting back to my pre-John self.
Fast forward to the present. A childhood friend of mine, Robbie, died in a car accident while working a sobriety checkpoint. He was 33 years old. Suddenly my eyes were opened. Everytime I started to think my life sucked, I thought of him, his wife and young son. Life could be so much worse. I started seeking help again for the anxiety and depression. This time, I truly wanted to get better. No more hiding in my head and my house from the world. No more excuses. I've been working hard to change myself. I credit Robbie for giving me focus and direction. And now, I think, I understand why God put me here.
Robbie's wife is suffering in silence. She has turned to pills and alcohol. She is angry and believes no one is really there for her; praying for her and her son. She tells her family and close friends to go away. Her family wants to help her, but they don't understand why she is acting out. Then God spoke to me and told me what to do.
I didn't go through the same thing, but I can completely identify with Robbie's wife. His death was so public and we stopped everything to mourn Robbie. Then, we went back to our lives. Unfortunately, she also had to go back to her life too. We watch from a distance, we pray and we're afraid. If we call or visit, will she break down in tears? Will she be angry? We want to help, but we don't know how. Whenever we ask someone "how are you today?" we all hope the response is "fine". Any other response means we are now confronted with someone else's problems and they might need our help. Who has time for that? We have our own problems to deal with. Trust me, I get it now. It's not that people don't care. We just don't know how to act on it. That's when God steps in. We just have to listen to Him.
I think God was preparing me for Robbie's wife. I get it. Our situations aren't the same, but the results are similar. Been there, done that. It's such a hard road when you believe you are alone. I want to spare her and her son from that. I'm afraid of her reaction, but her life and son's life are more important than my silly thoughts. God's told me to get up and do something. He prepared me all my adult life for this. Now it's my turn to show him what I've learned. Compassion, understanding and a willing ear to listen. Be mad at me, cry to me, yell at me because it's okay. Just don't bottle it up. I can handle it. I can't just sit by and hope she figures it out. There's help out there, but we don't always know how to find it. God wants us to step out onto the stage, not hide in the audience. I hope to make a new friend today.
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Pull Out Your Superman Cape & Make a Difference
2007-02-23
Yesterday was starting to look bad. Got a cold and an insane woman who works with me was treating me like her personal assistant (as usual). She makes my blood boil and I wish I could tell her to learn how to do her own job and leave me alone. I can't tell her how I feel so I try to avoid her like the plague. Half the day was gone and I felt like the day was a total waste of time. Then God stepped in and took over.
A call came over the intercom for the school nurse to report to the playground. I couldn't see what was going on, but I could see everyone running back and forth just outside my window. A police car and ambulance arrived so I knew it must be pretty bad. Immediately, I had to help. Keeping toys and stuffed animals in my office, I decided one of those teddy bears was about to be drafted for a special mission. I picked out a cute, fuzzy one and got to the playground quick. The little girl was scared and lying on the ground covered in blankets. A huge knot on her head from a nasty fall on to the asphalt. I showed her my special teddy and asked her if she wanted him to keep her company. Teddy ended up with a new friend and hopefully he gave her something else to focus on besides her pain. Later I was told her mom said thank you. Of course, no thanks was needed and I hope mom doesn't know exactly who gave her daughter the bear. I just hope her daughter remembers and one day she can do the same for someone else.
Later, another coworker mentioned a child with big problems. Jerk for a dad and no mom around. Dad expects his son to fend for himself when it comes to getting breakfast and lunch. Dad doesn't give him money for food either. If the kid forgets to bring his lunch, Dad wants him to go hungry to teach him responsibility. He's about 10 years old. When the cafeteria provided him with lunch, Dad pitched a fit and told them not to do it anymore. The money owed to the cafeteria, Dad said it's the child's responsibility to pay it back and not his. What an ass! My coworker told the little boy she will pay the money owed so he doesn't have to deal with Dad. I can't recall exactly which kid he is, but this morning he will have money on his account. I don't have much, but I will start giving what I can and try to watch over him. There's so much more I was told about this situation. This kid needs to know there are nice people out there. I would hate for him to grow up believing he's the screw up and blaming himself for his Dad's behavior. Sometimes a complete stranger can make a difference. Love and kindness spreads just as quickly as hate. I think there's enough hate in the world.
Yesterday, I gladly pulled out my superman cape and hopefully I will make a difference.
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Sick of Today
2007-02-21
Today has been a pretty bad day. Nothing seems to be going right. Work was one demand after another leaving me feeling pulled in a million directions. My husband, lazy to say the least. If he does anything beyond going to work, it's a miracle. My kids, lie to me and expect something for nothing. I'm so sick of it. I wish I could disappear for a while and let them see just how much they take advantage of me.
I guess I should back track a little to explain why life sucks. I've been married three times and husband #2 was emotionally and physically abusive. He went to prison for 6 years for having a 14 year old girlfriend. I'm sure there were others, but he will never admit the truth if no one can prove otherwise. There so much I could say about him and no one would probably believe it. Current husband #3 is an alcoholic/addict, biopolar with explosive compulsive disorder. I didn't know this until after we were married. The biopolar/explosive part wasn't diagnosed until 2 1/2 years in to the marriage when he totaled our car and went to jail on a DUI and for kicking out the officer's windshield. Don't get me wrong, though. He's a good guy, but behaves more like a child than a husband. I'm expected to do everything. He actually admitted the other day that he never picks anything up, but nothing changed. I feel trapped in a sad, unappreciative world with no escape. My personality quirks leave me feeling helpless to change anything.
I have anxiety and depression disorders. I'm trying to get better, but it's hard without support from those closest to me. I feel like dying, but my kids keep me here. Unfortunately, most of my problems are my fault. I see good in everyone and believe everyone is capable of change. Of course, I have that "superman cape" in my closet so I can fix the world. People won't change unless they want to, but I tend to believe everyone wants to improve. Wrong. It's so easy for me to see what's wrong with me and my thinking, but impossible for me to fix. I know my thoughts are so scattered, but that's what my life is like. Confetti and I'm trying to put it all together. Impossible.
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