In A Nutshell
2007-12-06
What else did you think this would be about?
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In A Good Place
2007-12-05
My day is ending in a good place. It started off like any ordinary day, except that I had an appointment with my attorney for the custody/visitation hearing my jackass ex filed for. Also, I forgot to take my depression & anxiety meds. My day quickly turned into panic & tears. The attorney was saying everything I didn't want to hear. The judge could give my ex some sort of contact even if my kids didn't want it. If the judge didn't believe my kids' thoughts weren't their own or he believe my ex was sincere (he's pretty manipulative). His biggest suggestion - get the kids back to see the original therapist they had when it all began. Eight hundred for the attorney and now insurance copays. My ex (from this point forward - John), was the same piece of shit he always was. "Screw the kids, I'm going to get you back" mentality. My parents agree. Same tricks, but not the same me.
I called the doctor and left a message to return my call. I got through the rest of my day, but I felt like crap at work and got a SPLITTING headache. When I got home I explained everything to the kids. Made sure they knew how important it is that they say exactly how THEY feel about their father because it will affect their futures. Whatever they want is what I want. No matter what. My oldest asked would it be like Judge Judy. I couldn't help but smile because he idolizes her:) I explained what the attorney told me and I could see that he was thinking about court, but he felt invincible. "He can't hurt me" attitude. My youngest had a weird look on his face and told me it was because he was deep in thought about the same thing. I explained why they would be going to the therapist. I asked if they remembered him. My oldest did. He smiled as he remembered his gumball machine and his folding table with the collapsing legs that they played games at as they talked. That's a great thing because he trusts the doctor. That will make him be able to truly express himself and because his brother trusts the doctor, my youngest will follow suit.
What put's me in a good place after all this? The doctor called me back. After six plus years and he remembered us. He remembered John. He took charge of the situation and relieved me my fears for the time being. He told him about what he remembered about John and his thoughts about protecting my kids from him. He TOLD me to tell my attorney to request a continuance. Let my attorney know that the kids can't get an appointment until the day before the hearing (01-09-08) and no decisions should be made until HE could make a determination about what's in the best interest of my boys. For the first time all day I could stop. Mentally, just stop thinking so hard. He's getting to me really bad and I got to stop it. I think I got a migraine and sick stomach because of him. I got a neck rub from each of my boys (it still hurts). I ate one bite of pizza and felt sick. Still never ate tonight. Tummy hurts, but not from hunger. Laid down for a long time with the lights off until I got on the computer. Now the headache is coming back with a vengeance. I'm not worrying right now. I think it's just the lights being on overhead. When I get off here, lights out for the last time tonight. The doctor made me feel empowered tonight. He showed me how I could have taken charge if only I wouldn't let my emotions rule me. At least I recognize this. It shows I really am working on me. One day at a time . . . (just wish I could get a decent neck massage)
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The Dream
2007-12-01
I'm going to try to go to sleep soon. It's 2am, but I really dread closing my eyes. Last night I had one of those dreams that won't stop even if you wake up and go back to sleep. And vivid. Most times I can't remember my dreams well, but this took me back to the dreams I had when everything happened with my 2nd ex.
I dreamed he was in our home. I tried to call the police, but couldn't. The phone was dead, he had cut the line. I called the police on my cell phone, but they just weren't coming. More time passed. I told the kids to get out & go to a neighbors' house to call. Again forever went by. I realized the dogs weren't barking. I looked out and the rotweiller was dead. Then he was outside burning something in the front yard. It looked like Sam's box. I didn't know if he was in it or not. I kept wondering where the cops were and did my kids got away ok. At some point he took the kids. It was awful and kept repeating itself.
I'm going to try to sleep now. I think I'm tired enough to sleep good. I hope.
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You've Got to be KiDDing
2007-12-01
Today was a really wacked out day. It started out good enough, but soon turned to oh . . .
Me and my mom went shopping today for the kids' Santa wish lists. She bought everything so that really relieved me of the heavy weight of how to get the bills paid and give my boys a nice Christmas. I'm so grateful for my family.
Later, me and the boys went in to "town" to get our Christmas tree. We ended up with a real pretty one for a good price. It looks pretty. The boys did all the decorating. I put up all my snowmen (I love them) and other knick-knacks. My husband called later and wanted to have dinner with us. He was going to me us their in about an hour. Well, me and the boys got to the restaurant early so we just sat in the jeep waiting for my husband to call. Then the oh happened. A truck drove by in front of us. It wasn't just any truck, but ex #2's. We sat there, partially hidden by a tree to our right. He dropped off his male passenger at the door then parked the truck. We sat there in shock. You've got to be kidding me. The kids got a good look at him and, after he went in the restaurant, I drove by his truck so the kids could get a really good look at his truck. They know exactly what to look for now. Scary part - if it weren't for my husband being late calling, we would have been somewhere inside that restaurant with HIM. I can not imagine how I would have reacted. I drove all the way home infuriated. Nowhere is safe for us right now. He could be anywhere at anytime. Our world is closing in. Trapped in my community. "Town" is a bad place and not safe. He is an evil person. I always knew we would never be safe as long as he walked the earth. I hate him.
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