Soulmate?
2007-08-27
I've often wondered, at the lowest points in my life, about all the "what ifs" and "could have beens". The children we argued over, but never had. What if I would have fought harder to keep you? What if you had tried a little harder to win back my heart? I'm so stubborn, but I know I would have given in. If only . . .
When you found me again; both unmarried, why didn't you try? I wanted so much for you to notice, to love and want me again, but no. Not pretty enough? Not thin enough? What was so wrong with me?
Time went by and you called again. I was dating someone and so were you. Nothing again. We both end up marrying soon after. Other people.
I've never stopped loving you and I probably never will. I lost my happiness when I lost you. Love unrequited, that's how it must be. I understand without truly understanding why? Why did life turn out like this? So unfair. All I've ever wanted was to be happy.
When I hear your voice, my heart stands still. I've always loved the sound of your voice. It's never changed. After so long, just one word, I'm a giddy schoolgirl again.
I know my place and I can live with that. Don't ever leave me again. I always want you to be a part of my life and I hope you wish the same. I will always love you no matter where our paths take us. I thought you deserved to know how I feel.
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Give Me a Sign
2007-08-27
Work was pretty good today, but very busy. It was the first day back for all the teachers. I ran around so much, I must have lost a pound or two. All the teachers are very nice so far, but a bit needy. That's okay though. It always seems they free their minds a little too much over summer break; quite a few pretty much need to relearn everything. It's kind of ironic being teachers and all if you think about it. I still have lots of work to do before school starts. I'm trying not to worry about it. I can only do but so much in a day. I just wish the days were longer.
I was rescued from a staff meeting today. That was super! I hate those meetings. It was Matt. It was nice, as always, to hear from him. We chatted for a while; the conversation always seems so awkward. I can't quite read him - yet. It confuses me. I'm still trying to figure this situation out.
It's so weird that life at home is doing okay. No major fighting lately. Stupid little stuff, but nothing big. It's like my life if complete to some extent. I questioned God today and asked for help. I know we can't make demands on God, but I want a sign. I can't tell if God is trying to tell me something or if the Devil is trying to tempt me to go completely against my beliefs. I just know that a daily phone call brightens my day. I can't explain it, but basically the world stands still and I'm sixteen all over again.
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Choices
2007-08-26
Choices *A Froggie Original* 
Everyday a reminderA life that could have beenThinking with the heartAlways failing; seeing no endI see others all around meSmiling, happy and brightI live in a world of miseryNo relief in sightI want what others havePeace and love throughoutI know no one is perfectOthers have their daysGloom and discontentmentBut those days are few and far betweenHappiness I long for Peace is what I craveLove unconditionalSanity againEveryone makes choicesThey shape their destinyI have no one else to blameNo one else but me
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Random Rambling Thoughts
2007-08-23
Here I sit, so hungry. I'm tired of being chubby (again) so I'm avoiding the fridge like the plague. No late night snacks for me tonight. 
I'm really, really going to try to lose weight this time. I'm so tired of being the way I am. No more excuses. I'm planning to stop smoking on my birthday too. Cold turkey. I really want to change. I miss me.
I remember being happy. Truly happy.
I want to feel like I use to- young again. I didn't say I wanted to "be" young, but "feel" young. I'm tired of feeling like I'm eighty or something. I want to have fun. I get tired of moping around the house, but I don't really know what to go and do alone. I know I can do stuff with my family, but I need time alone. I'm with either my kids or my husband 24-7. The only time I can be alone (to some degree) is at work; there I work myself silly. I'm going to try and get out this weekend. With football and NASCAR I want to finally take my husband up on his idea to go somewhere instead of sitting there with him. Bad part- the kids are home this weekend (except for a birthday party on Sunday) so it will be hard to go alone without a million questions.
I found out today that my ex #2 (the sicko) drove to an acquaintance's of mine home. She lives only ten minutes from me. He doesn't have a driver's license so that tells me he has access to transportation and he just won't follow the rules. I'm not sure what to think of him, but I'm very aware of my surroundings nowdays. He was always so unpredictable. I don't know if he still is. He's been on my mind a lot lately and I think it's making me anxious. I've been taking more anxiety pills for my hyperness and mini panic attacks. I've been running around lately like a crack whore with twenty cups of coffee coursing through my veins.
All out, wide open. Sleep's been a joke lately. I'm tired, but I just can't fall asleep. I'm going to try again soon. I thing functioning on on a few hours of sleep a night is trying to catch up with me. Just need to convince myself to get in the bed. In a minute maybe.
Went to the dentist today. Great choppers as always. My best feature by far in my opinion. Working on whitening them too. Supposedly, in two weeks, I'll have a much whiter smile. Or at least the Crest Whitestips box says so.
Okay, my head is killing me now. I think I'm going to hop in the bed. XXOOXXOO to all!
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Shoutpost Problem, Need Help!
2007-08-22
I have 1 new message, but everytime I click on the link to see who it's from, etc the page never loads then throws me out of shoutpost altogether. The only way I can get back to the home page is to close out my internet connection entirely and reopen it. Refreshing the page will not work and it acts as though shoutpost doesn't exist. Is anyone else having this problem? If not, is there a way to delete the message without having to access the message page?
HELP!!!!!
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Life . . . Just Too Confusing
2007-08-22
I went to see my therapist yesterday. I really needed to go there, but dreaded it all the same. I was so full of emotion, my mind racing. I was consumed with thoughts with no outlet so I really needed that doctor. Also, I was afraid as my husband and I will be seeing him together for something somewhat like marriage counseling. I was afraid of what I need to tell him, but he assured me my husband would not know what we discussed.
Monday morning, my mom and I were talking on the phone and she mentioned that my 1st husband called. My mom gave me the details of the conversation and told me he left his phone number and email address. I knew why. Not for mom, but for me. Even though we're both remarried, for the 3rd time each, he still caught up with me after 18 plus years. Later that day, he called. The moment I heard his voice my heart soared. After all this time, just the sound of his voice makes me feel so young all over again. During the course of our conversation we discussed our lives to some degree and how different things may have been. All the what ifs that cannot be. The conversation ended so strangely. An uncomfortable, "I don't know what to say" feeling for a moment before we hung up the phone. I was left incomplete with so many questions and feelings running through me.
Honesty, my life changed so much after our marriage ended. I felt so cheated, wasting my teenage years on a failed marriage. I went wild. I didn't care about myself. I drank A LOT and was game for just about anything. I had a string of loser boyfriends who took advantage of my warped state of mind and my generosity to a fault. I spent all my money on them and alcohol to keep myself dead to what I was really doing to myself. I didn't care if I died and took a lot of crazy risks that should have killed me several times over. Death wish mentality if you will. Then I met husband #2.
Husband #2 is the wonderfully fabulous sex offender who happens to be the father of my two sons. They are the only good thing he ever did. Otherwise, a total scumbag. He's out again and apparently living in a homeless shelter. He's working though. We finally got another child support payment so that was nice. I put a percentage of them in the kids' savings accounts and the rest toward bills and such. Don't think he voluntarily pays it though. He's on an Income Withholding Order. I should have known from the beginning he was bad news, but he acted like he loved me. He made me feel special; then we married. It went downhill after that. So many times he lied to me, screamed at me and abused me. Verbally, it was all the screaming constantly belittling me. He told me he would kill me. I wasn't able or allowed to do or say much. When I did, that's when the physical abuse began. I've been choked, thrown on walls, had a pillow held over my face, shoved, you name it. The only thing he wouldn't do is hit me. He told me that would leave a mark as proof of what he had done. No proof, this was our little secret. He told me I deserved what I got. I lost my life, my identity. I thought I was stuck with him until my kids became of age; then we could escape. I had my tubes tied because of him. I couldn't imagine bring another child into this world with him as the father. I dreamed a lot about how to kill me. I wouldn't ever do it, but it helped make it better. I hoped each time he left the house he wouldn't ever come back. I could write a book on him alone. Finally, he went to prison and I was free again. That's when I started dating husband #3 (the current one).
While I was dating him, my first husband contacted my parents and we talked for the first time in years. He was also dating the woman who would later become his 3rd wife and mother to his children. Even then, just his voice took me back. Even though I said I could never go back, my heart wanted to. I even went to his place of business to see him late one night with an (ex) friend of mine. I didn't want to drink and drive, but she changed her mind and would let me stay at her house. I ended up riding home with my ex to crash at his house. I had a wonderful time with him and his brother, but that was it. I slept on the couch and was delivered to my car the next morning. I think back and wonder. Neither one of us were married. I know I said I never would take him back, but I know it wouldn't have taken much to change my mind.
Fast forward to yesterday. I laid out my heart to my therapist. I don't understand why life is so cruel. I don't believe I will ever reach my dreams where I am today. I give everything to everyone and there is nothing left for me. I lost my life, my identity so long ago. I'm not the same person I use to be. Life has changed me and it hasn't been for the good. That's when my therapist said something to me. He told me I was truly special. He said I was one of those rare people who actually lives what God wants. I genuinely care for everyone and try to do my best to please each and every person I meet. I put others above myself every day of my life. Even people I don't particularly like don't know it. I don't like to show that part of me. It's hard to explain, but if you really knew me you would understand. I would give my life for a total stranger. It's just how I am. Unfortunately, there is a very dark side of me no one would ever believe could coexist inside of me. That's the side that scares even me when it gets out. It's like flashbacks to the past that overtake me and I lose control of my sanity. I hurt myself a lot of times when I get to this point. I would never kill myself (even though it is a prevalent thought), but I do things to myself that sometimes should warrant a trip to the hospital if I weren't so embarrassed about what I have done.
Yesterday evening my husband was so nice to me. Kind, loving and normal. This morning, he took back his usual first statement about the coffee being ready and changed it to say good morning (then is the coffee ready). He sat on the couch and held my hand. He told me I said he never did that anymore. Romantic type stuff. He said he loved me and he's trying to change. It scared me. I love him and care for him, but I'm not sure how many tears I would shed if he ever died or something. That's the scary part. The therapist may think I'm a "special breed", but I believe something inside of me is dead.
Talking to my first husband, my first love, makes me forget everything else. I feel alive even if I'm just a friend. That's enough for me. 
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Same Old Sh*t, Different Day
2007-08-12
Good thing I brought the laptop home this weekend. Last night, I told my husband I would probably get on the computer this morning since I'm always awake long before him. His way of controling that, early this morning he went in the living room to sleep on the couch (computer there too). I wake up and can't disturb him in there. I asked him to go get in the bed since I'm up, but no, he's comfortable. Can't turn on the lights, can't wash the dishes, can't straighten up the house, can't play on the computer, can't do anything - or so he thought. So here I sit. In my bed with the coffee, cigarettes (gonna quit next month for my b-day), dog and my laptop. Hopefully, he didn't realize I grabbed the laptop or he'll get up just to ruin that too. Being an ass is his specialty.
This weekend was suppose to be spent hanging out with the kids. He ruined that too. All week long I had told him about how I was going to get my dad to bring over a small trailer so I could clean out my house. It's so cluttered all the time and I'm tired of it. Not that anyone ever visits, but if they did I would be embarrassed. Mind you it's not dirty, just full of clutter. Things piled all over the place. Nothing where it belongs and too much stuff that needs to be tossed that we never use. So yesterday, my youngest stayed home while my oldest and I went to get an oil change (I keep up with all vehicle maintenance) and to get Sam's toenails done. Chores; not fun stuff. My husband worked for a couple hours that morning so he stayed home too. No problem. At least he didn't go and rush me so that worked for me. After we got back home, my husband was taking a nap so my oldest and I went outside to start picking up any junk we could find, broken tools, etc. Not long after, my youngest comes outside to tell me my husband woke up and wanted me to come inside. Like an idiot, I go inside to see what he wants. My mistake. He asked me why I was cleaning up and told me the only reason I was doing it was because my dad brought the trailer and my oldest was really into helping me stay motivated to get something done. Not the real reason at all I tried to tell him. I had pushed my dad to get the trailer here before I lost my motivation. I wanted to do this because I was tired of everything not getting done. He got mad and told me that he wasn't going to do anything just because we wanted to and he was going out to "be alone", but at the same time, to hang out with his brother and have fun (does this every weekend). I told him I wasn't asking him to do anything - why bother since he won't anyway, but we were doing what we had planned all week. Later, I was suppose to go out to the store to pick up dinner and a movie or two we could watch later that night together as a family. Just like we talked about the night before. Of course, he doesn't recall the conversation. I told him he never hears me. I talk to him, ask questions . . . sorry, but I must digress.
Stupid ass just woke up and came in the bedroom. I minimized my stuff because it's my private thoughts; not for his viewing. He tells me he hopes I find someone and tells me I'm a bitch. He always thinks that's what I'm doing. No, not actively looking, but he makes me dream of someone, anyone else but him. Who could blame me for dreaming. Wishing for a decent person who doesn't make me feel like my only purpose in life is to serve him. I don't have a life of my own. Shouldn't need one, just live the life he tells me to.
Okay, back to yesterday. So here we go again. I talk to him, ask questions, etc without getting responses. Sometimes he will respond, but he never actually heard what I said. He proves that all the time because he'll tell me I never said things that I did or I never told him about something when I did. It gets old. So to make a long story much shorter, both kids ended up going to my parents for the rest of the weekend. I didn't want them to be around to hear me taking this shit again. I'm pathetic and I don't need an audience. My oldest hates how my husband treats me and I'm sure he doesn't understand why I give in to him when the fighting's over. Hell, I don't even understand. I want to be free, but I can't do it. I don't know why, but I can't. I don't mind being alone so I don't understand why I do what I do. My doctor (I'm seeing a therapist now too) says this is what I'm use to so I can't see how to escape on my own. All my life, the players change but it's the same broken record.
I'm going to get off the computer now. I didn't finish my thoughts, but I just can't right now. He's bitching in the other room about every little thing. That's his way of forcing me to sit with him so he won't have to be alone. Doesn't want me, but can't be alone. I'm better than nothing in his eyes. I hate my life. Personal life that is. I guess that's why I love to work. I can escape to a place where people like me and I get told I do good. It beats being put down at home where I never seem to do anything right.
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Work, Work and a Little More Work!
2007-08-11
I haven't said much about my job lately. Really, I haven't said much about nothing lately. Way to busy!
Our new laptops FINALLY came and I'm almost done getting them ready for the teachers and such. By Monday, I will be totally done . . . at least with that. My new school, I'm working on redoing the whole thing and I hope to get that done before the first kiddies hop off the buses. It shouldn't be too hard to accomplish since my oldest son helps me with a lot of it. He's quite a worker and doesn't let me goof off much. I wonder where he gets that work ethic from? 
I'm even getting use to my new office. Tiny, but I got it set up pretty good. I can work at my desk, spin around and work on another machine or two, get a drink from the fridge, microwave a snack and NEVER get out of my chair. Lazy girl's paradise when the ol' feet are screaming from walking the halls. Biggest downside is the folks around the corner from me. Got a problem? Just walk around the corner; WOW there I am! Geek in a box! Sidenote- I'm not really a geek, just doing a geek's job! Example, the trainer tablets were delivered Thursday and the big guys are suppose to be setting up one to be captured for ghosting. They don't have a clue. Who do you call? Ghostbusters? No silly, me! Now, their going to bring it to me Monday (since I'm going to be imaging stuff anyway) to set it up, capture it and image all the tablets for them. No problem! I keep thinking "this is just a stepping stone" and it makes the extra work not so bad.
The new website design- so far everyone who has seen it, loves it! I can't wait for everything to slow down so I devote my time to it. I didn't do the initial web design (not my specialty), but 99% of it is my idea. I'm current working on a division wide staff directory for it and updating the current site to bring alot of information up to date. I'd work on it at home if I weren't creeping along with dial up.
One funny thing too- the person who took over my old school. She didn't show up the day she was suppose to image her laptops. She's never made her own image so we're guessing she sweating over there wondering what's she gonna do. Well, my boss mentioned they may need my image for her school too since they are pretty much identical (my image is the same image that I left her in my notes when we switched). I didn't think much of it at the time until it hit me later. My image has my new school's name on all the software, and the kicker, an icon on the desktop for my new school's calendar. I called my boss with the info. I told him if they don't think she can do the job now, they'll know she can't when my stuff's on their laptops too. His response -
This school year is going to be soooooo interesting. I hate drama, but I love soap operas!
Victor did WHAT to Jack?!?!? 
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Suggestions?
2007-08-10
My stepdaughter called last night from Washington State. We thought it was the same old stuff, but she threw us for a definite loop. In a nutshell, she's pregnant and I'm going to be a grandmother at the ripe old age of 37 (by the time my b-day comes around). She appears to be very happy, even though part is the novelty of a baby. No thought about when it gets here and how hard it will be.
Well, back to the suggestion part. She asked me what I wanted to be called. I told her I never really had a grandmother and I wasn't expecting to be one so soon so I'd never really thought about it. I told her I would need to think about the perfect moniker that says grandmother, but doesn't make me feel like one. I need a cool, young way to say grandmother. Nana and Nannie are completely out. My stepgrandmother was Nana and I never liked her. She wasn't a very nice person. My other grandmother was an alcoholic so I rarely spent much time with her. My only and favorite grandmother was my great grandma. She was wonderful. She was also old as long as I could remember. Grandma suited her just fine. Not me though. So, now I need a bit of help. Any ideas? 
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Silly Putty
2007-08-05
Do you remember silly putty? I mean REAL silly putty?
Today's silly putty is fun and I sure the kids love to do all kinds of stuff with it, but it's just not the same as the silly putty I grew I up with. I've been playing with a blob of silly putty for 3 days now. Obviously, I don't have much going on this weekend. That's not the point though. My son's silly putty is hot pink. I can shape it in to a bunch of things and it bounces. I can squish it, but then I run out of ideas. I can't do stuff like I could with my old silly putty. It was fleshy colored and I could entertain myself for a long time Sunday mornings making copies of my favorite comics. I could write code backwards on paper and decode it with my wonderful silly putty. I could make really cool bubbles and pop them for hours (think perpetual bubble wrap). Why does everything have to be changed and marketed as "new and improved"? Sometimes people just shouldn't mess with perfection. Is there anywhere to buy the "old and outdated" silly putty I remember?
I don't want to grow up. I'm a Toy's R Us kid!
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