About Last Night
2007-10-28
I don't have internet access tonight, but I did want to recount how I feel this evening. I'm sitting alone outside my parent's "home away from home" camper. The kids come here every year to trick or treat and, since dad's in the hospital and my sister's at a party, I'm doing it this year. I've never spent the night here. My husband couldn't stand the thought of it. Now, it's pretty nice. Quiet, you can actually see the stars real bright. I'm sad. I don't know why. You'd think I'd be happy now that he's gone, but there are a few things I loved about him. He loved me, chubby and all. He told me I was pretty though I still don't believe him. He would attack me some days before I could hardly get through the door. He actually wanted me. But then there was everything else. Feeling trapped; accused of lying and cheating more times than I could count. Sure, some things were getting better. He was working and thinking clearer. But I couldn't stand how he put my parents down and pitted my kids against each other. Sometimes he would try to pit them against me. I felt so insignificant at times. Sorry my thoughts are here and there, but I just haven't been myself lately. I've lost a few more pounds - down to 159. My goal is 145, but I'd like to beat that if I can. Not really hungry lately. Kind of have to force myself to eat. I understand why, but at the same time I don't. I wonder who he's with tonight. I hate the thought. My mind goes so many places it shouldn't. I have no true friends. All I have is my kids and my job. No one to really talk to. My mom tries to preach to me and my sister tries to analyze me. Dad he's quiet. Never says much. I always wonder if I am a disappointment to him. I don't trust too many people so there are very few that know everything about me. I hate who I am and the things I've done in my life. I feel like white trash to my first husband. All his nice things and me, I really don't have much of anything. I feel like a disappointment to everyone in my life that hasn't abandoned me yet. I'm still looking forward to my surgery on Monday; a whole week off from work too. I think I've died and gone to Heaven.
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