Life's Okay
2007-10-21
It really is okay. Life's not completely what I want, but who ever said I'm so special that everything must go my way or else? Nobody, so why be disappointed?
I really am trying to do better with my thoughts. Be positive. Easier said than done, but at least I'm giving it a whirl. Some parts of life really are looking up and I don't feel so negative. I'm working on improving my physical self. No snacks lately and I'm going to start back to the gym on a regular basis. This week it will be hard, but I'll try every day that's not overbooked with life's events. Okay, sounds like I'm making excuses already, but this week is busier than usual.
Monday - oldest has an orthodontist appt after school/work
Tuesday - poor little Sammie gets neutered (ouch!)
Wednesday - cross country meet for the oldest (never know when they're gonna get back!)
Thursday - dad has surgery (taking off work early!)
Everyday - martial arts, cross country practice, home chores, etc
No wonder I'm tired by the time the weekend gets here!
I hate the thought of Sammie being left alone at the vet. He's never been away like that and he's soooooooo needy (like his mama). It's going to be a hard night for him after the surgery. I'll pick him up on Wednesday, but he's probably not going to be happy with me. My husband did agree to keep the other dogs out of the house til Sammie is feeling better. That's a plus!
Dad's surgery. He's having knee replacement surgery and it will be the first time in his 64 years he's ever had any type of surgery. He's pretty scared, but I think he'll be okay. I told my mom to check with the doctor about giving him a "happy pill" the morning of the surgery. It will calm his nerves and he won't care so such about what's happening to him. I learned to get hooked up after I had surgery a few years back that left me in tears before the surgeon even started. I'm terrified of needles so I can work myself into a tizzy long before I get to the hospital! He gets a morphine drip afterwards so I already told mom dad will be a happy camper without a care after he comes out. I can't wait to see my dad walk without as much pain (other knee will be done later). He's had bad knees ever since I can remember - they've just gotten worse over the years.
Went shopping yesterday for clothes for the Houston trip. Oh, I probably didn't mention it in previous posts, but I get to go to a conference for work in November. I haven't been on a plane in about 19 years so this is a little scary for me. Worried the plane will crash, but if it does I'll be dead so it really won't matter. At least that's how I'm trying to make the scary thought less scary. I hate living with my fears. I miss out on a lot because of them.
Speaking of fears. I tried to visit my 1st husband's brother in the hospital yesterday. I was so afraid of being rejected. In a way I was. I finally worked up the courage to see him and he didn't want visitors. Said for me to call. That thought scares me too since I don't know how he feels about me (haven't seen him in about 5 years). I'm going to call this morning. I really am. If he doesn't want to talk to me or see me at least I'll know. At least I'll be on the phone so if the conversation goes bad I won't have to deal with the face to face aspect of the moment. I hope I'm just being silly, but my fears are very real to me even if I know exactly what my mind is doing. That's what I hate about my anxiety. I'm smart enough to see it for what it is, but it is so hard to stop my mind from believing my fears are anything but real. I feel powerless so often and I hate no being in control.
My ex moved into his new house yesterday with his family. I hope that works out for him. That's all I want to say on that.
Me, still living. That's always a big plus. Maybe one day I'll be able to accept what life has dealt me. Until then, I'll keep doing the best I can and try to smile more. Make people wonder what you're up to . . .
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