[FroG LeGs Anyone?]

here i am

2008-02-02

here i am. drunk (well tipsy at least) and alone. I am tired. Having a bit of a long island mixer (not as good as the real thing, but hey). Life is boring. My ex (1st) called today. Lost his job and the wife left him. Why? Who knows? Weird how life works. Up one day and down the next. Why do we have relationships? They just sour. We should be able to cope with being poligomists (or however you spell it). I care for him so much and he just wanted to hear a friendly voice. Someone to listen.

Unfortunate that me and my husband are trying to work things out. I get sick of feeling used and he gets sick of not being the center of attention. But hey, we're trying to work it out. All I want is my happily ever after. Why stop dreaming of it?

I realized recently that life bites. I have been scarred for life by husband #2. He messed me up so bad it will take a lifetime to recover. Seriously. Reality is not what it appears to be. This drink tastes nasty, but it's working. Just hope my husband doesn't figure it out. I'm ready with the toothpaste, etc so hmmmm.....

I know this sounds so stupid, but I don't care. Weird, but I only seem to care if my typing is ok. Keep fixing the typos and I'll be here all night. Not really, just beating the hell out of the keyboard. Why? Not a clue. Just feels good.

The 4-wheeler people are out again. I'm sick of them. All hours of the night. Doing drugs. I wouldn't care too much except that it drives me nuts. It's like they are in my front yard. Inconsiderate assholes. I know what they do so you'd think they'd like to keep it down so they wouldn't draw attention to themselves? Dumbasses.

Why is the world so cruel? Why can't the planets align to give everyone the peace and happiness they deserve?

My ex's wife had the baby. Healthy so he tells me. That's a good thing. Just why does everthing else in his life fall apart just as I am trying to keep my world together? I will never know.

I hope (when I die) that God answers the one thing I want to know - why? Why does everyone lie to me? Why can't I be happy? What lies did I fall for? I want to know everything when I die. Mystery solved.

Want to go now and finish my drink. Just one. I swear, but it's a BIG one. My husband called and he'll be home soon. I hope. I'm tired of being here my myself today. Way too much time on my hands.

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In A Nutshell

2007-12-06

What else did you think this would be about?

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In A Good Place

2007-12-05

My day is ending in a good place. It started off like any ordinary day, except that I had an appointment with my attorney for the custody/visitation hearing my jackass ex filed for. Also, I forgot to take my depression & anxiety meds. My day quickly turned into panic & tears. The attorney was saying everything I didn't want to hear. The judge could give my ex some sort of contact even if my kids didn't want it. If the judge didn't believe my kids' thoughts weren't their own or he believe my ex was sincere (he's pretty manipulative). His biggest suggestion - get the kids back to see the original therapist they had when it all began. Eight hundred for the attorney and now insurance copays. My ex (from this point forward - John), was the same piece of shit he always was. "Screw the kids, I'm going to get you back" mentality. My parents agree. Same tricks, but not the same me.

I called the doctor and left a message to return my call. I got through the rest of my day, but I felt like crap at work and got a SPLITTING headache. When I got home I explained everything to the kids. Made sure they knew how important it is that they say exactly how THEY feel about their father because it will affect their futures. Whatever they want is what I want. No matter what. My oldest asked would it be like Judge Judy. I couldn't help but smile because he idolizes her:) I explained what the attorney told me and I could see that he was thinking about court, but he felt invincible. "He can't hurt me" attitude. My youngest had a weird look on his face and told me it was because he was deep in thought about the same thing. I explained why they would be going to the therapist. I asked if they remembered him. My oldest did. He smiled as he remembered his gumball machine and his folding table with the collapsing legs that they played games at as they talked. That's a great thing because he trusts the doctor. That will make him be able to truly express himself and because his brother trusts the doctor, my youngest will follow suit.

What put's me in a good place after all this? The doctor called me back. After six plus years and he remembered us. He remembered John. He took charge of the situation and relieved me my fears for the time being. He told him about what he remembered about John and his thoughts about protecting my kids from him. He TOLD me to tell my attorney to request a continuance. Let my attorney know that the kids can't get an appointment until the day before the hearing (01-09-08) and no decisions should be made until HE could make a determination about what's in the best interest of my boys. For the first time all day I could stop. Mentally, just stop thinking so hard. He's getting to me really bad and I got to stop it. I think I got a migraine and sick stomach because of him. I got a neck rub from each of my boys (it still hurts). I ate one bite of pizza and felt sick. Still never ate tonight. Tummy hurts, but not from hunger. Laid down for a long time with the lights off until I got on the computer. Now the headache is coming back with a vengeance. I'm not worrying right now. I think it's just the lights being on overhead. When I get off here, lights out for the last time tonight. The doctor made me feel empowered tonight. He showed me how I could have taken charge if only I wouldn't let my emotions rule me. At least I recognize this. It shows I really am working on me. One day at a time . . . (just wish I could get a decent neck massage)

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The Dream

2007-12-01

I'm going to try to go to sleep soon. It's 2am, but I really dread closing my eyes. Last night I had one of those dreams that won't stop even if you wake up and go back to sleep. And vivid. Most times I can't remember my dreams well, but this took me back to the dreams I had when everything happened with my 2nd ex.

I dreamed he was in our home. I tried to call the police, but couldn't. The phone was dead, he had cut the line. I called the police on my cell phone, but they just weren't coming. More time passed. I told the kids to get out & go to a neighbors' house to call. Again forever went by. I realized the dogs weren't barking. I looked out and the rotweiller was dead. Then he was outside burning something in the front yard. It looked like Sam's box. I didn't know if he was in it or not. I kept wondering where the cops were and did my kids got away ok. At some point he took the kids. It was awful and kept repeating itself.

I'm going to try to sleep now. I think I'm tired enough to sleep good. I hope.

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You've Got to be KiDDing

2007-12-01

Today was a really wacked out day. It started out good enough, but soon turned to oh . . .

Me and my mom went shopping today for the kids' Santa wish lists. She bought everything so that really relieved me of the heavy weight of how to get the bills paid and give my boys a nice Christmas. I'm so grateful for my family.

Later, me and the boys went in to "town" to get our Christmas tree. We ended up with a real pretty one for a good price. It looks pretty. The boys did all the decorating. I put up all my snowmen (I love them) and other knick-knacks. My husband called later and wanted to have dinner with us. He was going to me us their in about an hour. Well, me and the boys got to the restaurant early so we just sat in the jeep waiting for my husband to call. Then the oh happened. A truck drove by in front of us. It wasn't just any truck, but ex #2's. We sat there, partially hidden by a tree to our right. He dropped off his male passenger at the door then parked the truck. We sat there in shock. You've got to be kidding me. The kids got a good look at him and, after he went in the restaurant, I drove by his truck so the kids could get a really good look at his truck. They know exactly what to look for now. Scary part - if it weren't for my husband being late calling, we would have been somewhere inside that restaurant with HIM. I can not imagine how I would have reacted. I drove all the way home infuriated. Nowhere is safe for us right now. He could be anywhere at anytime. Our world is closing in. Trapped in my community. "Town" is a bad place and not safe. He is an evil person. I always knew we would never be safe as long as he walked the earth. I hate him.

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Just Around the Corner

2007-11-27

Court's tomorrow with ex #2. I called the court yesterday and verified they served him even though it was by posting. I'm planning on getting there a bit early to see what he's driving, etc (assuming he even shows up). Hopefully, everything will turn out good. Still, no more support has posted this month. We could sure use it. I won't get paid til Friday so we are really having to pinch our pennies. A bill or 2 left to pay, but I'm hoping everything works out and I don't have to pay them but so late.

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Crying in His Cornflakes

2007-11-27

Spoke with my lovely husband yesterday. Called him on "business" only to let him know what the deal was on getting the jeep in my name only and about the bills for December he is responsible for. He keep trying to interrupt with the "I've been thinking" line, but I just talked right over him. Then, he says he's been thinking a lot and crying too. Yeah right.

I told him he gets no sympathy from me. He walked out on me. He told me he was happy and our marriage wasn't going to "work out". Gone for a month and now he's crying? What took him so long? I guess he finally figured out I wasn't kidding. I had told him before I was willing to try marriage counseling and he claimed he would go too. Only catch was he had to find a doctor & set an appointment. I won't do it because he will claim I convinced the doc everything is only his fault, etc (been there before). He never made any effort. Hell, he never made an effort to do anything to resolve our problems. Just put all the blame on me. I told him after he left I wasn't going to play this game. He can't leave, do whatever he wants with whomever, then expect me to sit idly by. He was waiting for me to accept responsibility for everything and beg him to come back. Too bad I'm finally strong enough not to fall for that. Not deperate enough that I need him in my life that bad. I told him I was tired of being responsible for everything and I meant it. I hope he really is crying. He should be.

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Redskins' Sean Taylor Dies

2007-11-27

Such a sad ending for someone with such a promising career ahead of him.
To read the full story click the link below.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/11/26/sports/main3539429.shtml

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Crickets Chirping

2007-11-25

Where is everybody? All the Shoutpost accounts and only four people online. What's up with that?

Thoughts anyone?

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Quote for the Day

2007-11-25

"Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe."
Voltaire

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Just Keeps Calling

2007-11-25

I don't know why, but now he keeps calling. Didn't want me. Didn't want to do anything to fix our marriage. He said it's not going to work and I'm tired of hoping that it will. Wasn't calling before and now that I'm done, he won't stop. Now the cell phone is ringing too. I wonder if I can change the number. I need to check on that. I hate him. I feel used. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I made him. He has the opportunity to have a good, productive life because of me. He readily admits this so it's not like I'm lying, bragging or anything else. Just stating a fact. He won't stay on the right path without help and his family can't do that for him. They are as screwed up as he is. He stuck me with all the bills and, in turn, he stuck himself with himself. I'm not sure who's got it worse. After I get Wednesday's court hearing out of the way (good or bad), I'm going to start working on divorcing him completely from my life. I want to look around and (for the most part) not be able to tell he was ever here. If there ever is another someone for me they are going to have to find me. I'm not looking for nobody. I want someone that can give for a change. Not just monetarily (only an equal of sorts), but emotionally. I need a rock in my life; not someone in need of "fixing" that I have to care for. I wasted so much time on him.

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Quote For The Day

2007-11-24

"To love abundantly is to live abundantly, and to love forever is to live forever."

Henry Drummond

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Leave Me Alone

2007-11-24

Now that jackass is calling. Maybe he figured out I wasn't kidding. Maybe he realized he was wrong. Maybe I'll never really know. All I know is "I DON"T CARE".

F*ck him. For real. I made him what he is today and he knows that. He told me himself. He has truly f*cked up as he will never find someone like me. I'm not bragging. I'm just being honest. I am a good person and I deserve to be loved by someone who sees me for who I truly am. I may screw up & do stupid things, but I deserve better.

Thanks for letting me have my moment. I needed that.

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No One to Kill the Spider

2007-11-24

The Rules were laid down today. Told my husband to get his stuff & his dog out of my home by 12/04/07. If not, everything will be gone and he'll never get any of it back. I'll take that dog somewhere and his clothes to Goodwill. I told his mother too so he can't say I didn't tell him. I hate him. Sounds strong? No way. I mean ever word of it.

Big, no change that, HUGE spider running around the living room. I'm so scared of them. I can deal with snakes, lizards, frogs, or any other animal like that. Spiders, bees and bugs I can't handle. Don't like to kill spiders either. Scared it's going to jump on me or something. I've always been that way. Ever since I was a little girl. No one here to kill the spider. Just me. Now where's that vaccuum?

I guess some things never change no matter what happens in life.

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Damn Cold Weather

2007-11-24

Somehow, between the cold temps yesterday and the breeze, I got myself a sore throat. Won't be blowing those leaves today. Maybe I'll burn the ones in the woodline my water hose can reach, but that's it. I was trying not to go out today, but I may end up having to anyway.

My oldest is having his first, safe (bring a friend) date today. My mom is dropping off him and his friend and the young lady will be meeting them at the bowling alley. Only big rule - no one is allowed to leave the building. They should have a great time. She seems like a nice girl so that's a plus too. I can't wait to hear how it went. I like watching my son blush. It's so cute.

My youngest is still with Grandma playing with his little cousin. Mom said she'll probably take those two bowling or something tomorrow. He's still playing with his DS Lite thing too. The toy made it 24 hours without getting broke so there's hope it last a while. He loves electronics (like his mom) so he usually takes care of that stuff better than anything else. Once his brother gets one he plans on selling/trading his Game Boy. Cool thing about this DS Lite is that it can play Game Boy games too. At least the games won't be sitting around collecting dust.

I keep thinking about Christmas. It's going to be tight this year, but doable. Doodlebug has already made his Christmas list and nothing is too expensive. Maybe he knows Santa's got to tighten his belt this year and he just hasn't let me in on it yet. I swear he still believes in Santa though. His friends say Santa doesn't exist, but he tells me he doesn't believe them. I figure if I buy one or two small things weekly until Christmas (starting next week) I can spread things out enough to budget better and still not run out of money. We'll see . . .

Sam has finally calmed down this morning. He's been running around like crazy all morning. Probably wore himself out. Good! Maybe I spoke too soon since he's under the blankets barking:) Stupid dog! (to borrow a line from Courage the Cowardly Dog)

Dinner tonight - chicken tenders, a piece of fruit & a veggie (if I have any). I've been trying to eat whatever I find in the house to save money. Haven't had to resort to the Dog Food Diet yet Barnabus! I've been thinking about renting a moveie, but that would require me to leave the house so it probably won't be happening.

Got a court date in 4 days with ex #2. I hope me & the boys get that increase in child support. It would sure help around the house. I haven't been thinking about it too much, but I'm betting that will change as the date gets closer. I'm trying not to stress over it. Hope for the best and plan for the worst is the angle I'm working. Heck, they may not even get him serve so I'm trying not to waste my time on negative thoughts. Wow! Maybe I am starting to get better. Shows I have been working on myself. Not just talking about it. Sure I have my setbacks, but who doesn't.

Making progress everyday. . .

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Virgo

2007-11-24

Some of this I see in myself; some others have said but I do not see. Hmmmmm.....

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Never Be Afraid

2007-11-23

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Today's a Good Day

2007-11-23

I'm happy today. I was just sitting here (smiling too) thinking about the day. Nice. No big rush.

Me and Doodlebug went to the GameStop so he could buy himself a Nintendo DS Lite (or something like that). He actually saved enough money and for him to hold onto money that long, well, that's amazing. He was going to buy himself a used one & a game, but he ended up walking out with a brand new limited edition gold one that came with a game. It only cost him three weeks of not getting his allowance. That was his best deal since his way would have ended up costing just as much. He smiled all the way to grandma's house!

Later I blew leaves, burned them and played with Sam. Now, I'm just happy. Hanging out alone on my couch. Nice.

Just finished watching two of my favorite tv shows: Ghost Whisper & Moonlight. Might be corny concepts, but that's my style. I like getting to watch what I want to. You know it's bad when you've seen the same episode of Cops at least twice. Sam's snoozing beside me. He is the goofiest dog I've ever seen. Absolutely spoiled to the point he drives me nuts sometimes. Me and a needy dog. Who would have guessed that combo? Ha!

Well, I want to lay back and watch tv and I can't do that if I'm on the computer. Until later . . .

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Falling Leaves

2007-11-23

Will the leaves ever stop falling?

I've been blowing & burning leaves for 3 days and yet, every morning, I awake to more leaves. My hands have blisters, but I really enjoy doing it. If the breeze would stop it would be even better. I just wish they would hurry up and finish. Burning the leaves is the best part, but I can't do it up good without fearing I'll burn the woods up. Sure don't want a visit from the fire department! Maybe tomorrow. It's suppose to rain for a few days straight this week so you know what I'll be up to again tomorrow . . .
Woo! Hoo!